Cellar Door

Everybody's Doin' It...

2006-05-07T23:08:00.000-07:00

So you go to Google... type in a-hole (cept you put in the full word) and then hit "I'm Feeling Lucky".

It treats you to a little song...

Deal or No Deal Banker to Divorce Wife

2006-05-02T12:03:00.000-07:00

‘The deal is off,’ says wife of The Banker from NBC’s hit game show Deal or No Deal. The couple is calling it quits after 16 years of marriage.

“When I married The Banker, back in 1990, he was just The Teller at First Financial in Pacoima,” said the Wife of the Banker. “Ever since the success of the show, I’ve seen a change in my husband. I think his head has gotten bigger and it hasn’t been good for him or our relationship.”

Insiders close to the hit show say that The Banker, who phones the soundstage as many as 12 times during production in order to scream obscenities, unheard by the audience, at host Howie Mandel, has become even more abrasive than he was before the success of the show. “He’s constantly lowballing the contestants and penny-pinching the staff,” said an unnamed source. “He once tried to charge our PA for sitting in a chair.”

Sources confirm that The Banker has indeed been cheating on his wife with this unidentified woman. The Wife of the Banker had long suspected her husband was having an affair, but mistakenly believed it was with the model who carries case #19 on the show.

The Banker could not be reached for comment.

There ARE Good Stories in Iraq...

2006-03-22T19:24:00.000-08:00

by Sally the cartoon Guest Blogger

Some people say that Iraq is in a civil war. They only say this because the news media only reports on the BAD things! There are lots of stories of good things happening all over Iraq. It is high time somebody talked about the new DEMOCRACY and how patriotic companies like Halliburton are rebuilding the country.

Just the other day I met and interviewed an elected official of the Iraqi Parliament. He was very nice. We spoke outside briefly before he had to go back to his office in a basement.
After that, we headed across town and watched as Iraqis and American contractors broke ground for a brand new school! Imagine the excitement the little kids will feel when they finally get to go back to the classroom after their old school got bombed several years ago!
Finally, I got to travel along with the Iraqi police on the beat! These new cops were trained by us to be the very best at keeping law and order. As they "stand up" we'll be able to "stand down" and we can finally welcome our troops home!

Until next time, this is Sally the cartoon blogger reporting,

WHERE THE NEWS IS ALWAYS GOOD!!

Blog er Naught??

2006-03-05T12:21:00.000-08:00

Have blogs peaked? Is the trend over?

Or is the wheat just getting sorted from the chaff?

Several people I know who blog stopped doing so around the time I did, which has lead me to ponder those questions. For me, I blame a conspiracy of events: I got busy... I lost interest... I got a girl.

And yet I considered creating a new blog and calling it The Daily Outrage, about how this country (with our tacit approval) has become everything Americans used to stand against (we torture, reject checks and balances, don't hold leaders accountable, spy on our own citizens, blah blah blah) but do we really need another liberal blog telling America what already ignores?

I have rejected the idea of deleting Cellar Door many times, holding out some thought that I'd come back and have fun here again. Leaving blogging is easy. Coming back is much harder. So much has changed. Where to begin?

WITH COMEDY!!

Not mine, but The Onion has been steadfast and the headline Democrats Vow Not to Give up Hopelessness made me laugh.

Cheers, until next time...

2006-03-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

After a long absence, check out a new Link of the Week. It's the knitted digestive system!

A Merry Chewie Xmas!!

2005-12-21T22:32:00.000-08:00

My girl sent this to me and made my day!

Have a very merry and a happy new!

The Heat is OFF!

2005-12-11T22:30:00.000-08:00

With no roommate at the moment, I've been looking for ways to cut expenses. This led to a brilliant plan to keep my natural gas bill down by turning the furnace completely off for the winter. After all, I don't run my AC in the summer, so the opposite only makes sense.

There is just one problem with cutting off the furnace... my apartment gets COLD!

Yes, I live in southern California, but before you spam me with hate mail, keep in mind that it gets pretty cold at night in the desert. Sometimes darn near freezing. And without a lot of sunlight to warm the place up, my bedtime pj's often consist of ski pants, wool socks, and a hoodie.

There are, however, some positive benefits to this budget buster... The morning after the recent absinthe party, for example, I awakened to find I'd lazily left the party's finger foods out overnight in the living room uncovered. Amazingly, everything was refrigerator fresh. Veggies for dipping were still crisp and none of the dips had skin on the top! Needless to say, this brought on a wonderful breakfast, as well as the realization my FTD centerpiece seemed to be as fresh as the day it was bought, some four and a half weeks ago.

As the colder, damper part of the year progresses, I'm discovering cheap and more ingenious ways to keep warm. Tealight candles, for example, are an inexpensive way to take the chill out of the air (though I really need to be more careful with where I toss a used Kleenex -- that or else take the battery out of the smoke alarm again). A single stick of incense is also great for warming the hands while surfing the web. It certainly beats typing in mittens, which I don't recommend.

It's only December, so my new life without heat has really just begun. But I'm already starting to wonder about some of these other bills. Imagine how much I could save by turning off the electricity. I mean, all we really need is the internet connection, right?

Absinthe Minded

2005-12-04T23:01:00.000-08:00

Several months ago, while downing a pitcher of margaritas, a plan was hatched by my friend Neil to introduce me and several of our mutual friends to absinthe.

What is absinthe you ask? Well, I'd never heard of it myself. A couple of internet web investigations later and I had the whole story. This 70 to 85 proof alcohol (banned in the US) must be savored and not consumed quickly, so as to not disrupt the liquor's "full-body high."

So now, this past Saturday night, my apartment provided the location for Neil's party. A variety of absinthe was served. The anise supplies the beverage its licorice flavor, which runs from light to obnoxious, depending on the selection.

While Neil, seen here, performed an appropriate reading from Oscar Wilde, another reader gave a nod to Edgar Allen Poe with a reading of "The Raven." These authors were known for their appreciation of the spirits, including absinthe.

But the highlight of the evening's essays was probably Carrey's reading of Joshua Tyree's "The Implausibility of the Death Star's Trash Compactor." I'm guessing the essay was probably not written while intoxicated on absinthe, but it's still proof positive that even though you can move the geek out of the basement and give him an upscale illegal fru-fru liquor, he'll still ponder the logic of compacting trash when you're just going to eject it into space anyway.

All in all, the small party was a huge success. But most of the absinthe drinkers, including yours truly, found the ceremony and pomp of absinthe immensely more fun than its deleterious effects.

A Good Friend is Gone

2005-11-20T22:41:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, just before 3pm, my kitty, Oggy, often a subject of entries here at Cellar Door, passed away.

In her last 48 hours, her breathing condition worsened and it was clear that she was uncomfortable even sitting still. Walking from the bedroom to the kitchen was a great labor and winded her. She had lost weight and would barely eat when she got to her bowl. So with heavy heart and many a tear, I made the difficult decision to have her put to sleep.

I had never been through this before.

When I arrived at the vet she was panting and struggling for breath. Two injections later, she was limp; eyes open, but empty, on the exam table. The act was unceremonious and too fast.

My girlfriend and I stayed alone with her body a few minutes and stroked her soft fur. Strange, I couldn't figure out how to honor her in that moment. There was nothing to do but stroke her and say goodbye, but it already felt too late.

It's weird to make a big deal out of losing a pet. The loss is dwarfed by the death of a human being and I'm embarrassed to make a big deal out of it when there is tragedy and immeasurable suffering every minute somewhere in this world. But tonight, alone at home, it really struck me...

Family is forever... Friends are invaluable... But eventually you get off the phone, you shut the door and the house is empty...

Except for the pets.

They are with you in those moments you don't let anyone else in. And that's what Oggy was for me.

The litter boxes are scrubbed and ready for storage. The food bowls are off the floor and put at the rear of the cupboard. As I sit here at the computer, there's no click of claws on the hardwood floor or stirring out the corner of my eye.

But that doesn't mean I won't forget she's gone and turn to look anyway...
I'll let that be how I honor her...

Lordy, Lordy, Look Who's 39

2005-11-07T00:30:00.000-08:00

Today, I turned 39 years old.

How does it feel? Well, it feels like the one before 40, as you might guess.

In search for something to blog about, I raced to the internet to learn what I could about turning 39. This year, Star Trek turned 39, as well as this guy with the phallic balloons and some dude in England.

Okay, so those last two weren't from this year. It's my birthday, let it go.

But who else turned 39 this year? Lots of big stars like, Justine Bateman, Billy Zane, and Nancy McKeon!

And look! Here's some unexpected kind words about my 39th birthday from, of all people, Senator Bill Frist!

For 39 years, Cody has contributed enormously to the health and well being of our nation's seniors and people with disabilities.... Thanks to the leadership of President Bush and the efforts of many in Congress, Cody has added a guaranteed prescription drug benefit for the first time.

Actually Frist was talking about the birthday of Medicare. But let me be on record as saying, Seniors Rock!

I should know, I'll be one soon enough...

Can Al-Jazeera Save American News??

2005-10-30T13:19:00.000-08:00

On Friday night, at 6:30 I sat before the TV hoping to return to something I’ve always enjoyed in years past: the nightly news from one of the major networks. Sadly, I keep forgetting that the face of the news has changed, literally.

With the passing of Peter Jennings, and retirements of Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather, the news no longer has a face I feel I can trust. On NBC, Brian Reynolds feels temporary, a placeholder until they get things figured out. On CBS, Bob Schieffer seems rickety and unsure – as if he’s a victim of the news instead of its caretaker.

The story of the leaking of a CIA operative’s name is complicated and I think the average American needs help dissecting it. But the network dissection seems to soft-pedal the true heart of this story: that Libby set out to destroy a political enemy and that our reasons for going to war in Iraq are in serious doubt. But as I flip around and watch all three networks, I realize the unfamiliar news anchors are a metaphor for another important aspect of this story...

We can no longer trust the people who give us our news.

Where were the investigative journalists when the Administration was outlining its reasons for war? How come the press hasn’t found out who ordered torture at Abu Gharib? With the news organizations owned by corporations who profit from Administration policies, the mainstream media can do nothing but be stenographers for their contacts in the government.

Enter Al-Jazeera.

Now in English and expanding as a global news service, the Qatar-based network has established an office in Washington D.C. and is hiring American and British journalists to head up those offices. Will Al-Jazeera be able to scrutinize our government without having a conflict of interest?

Obviously Al-Jazeera has a long way to go before it can prove that it’s credible and not anti-American. But I’m betting you won’t catch an Al-Jazeera reporter yucking it up with the VP’s Chief of Staff like a certain "New York Times" reporter did. If these guys can be objective and lay out facts in a responsible way, I’m thinking they’ll eventually get the respect they want and other news organizations will notice their stories and follow suit.

That’s good for the American press. And that’s good for America.

Meanwhile... shout out to Brokaw, Rather, and Jennings. You guys are greatly missed.

20 Minutes to Apocalypse?

2005-10-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

Like many people, I received an email claiming that Hurricane Katrina was an act of God's wrath on Louisiana for the sin and homosexual depravity that regularly goes on in New Orleans.

Some might point out that God's wrath missed the mark by sparing the New Orleans French Quarter (where all the fun happens) and instead destroying the other surrounding area. But as they say, God works in mysterious ways.

I am no longer a religious man. But when I did attend church I was never a believer in this kind of fire and brimstone Old Testament deity. No, I opted for the loving, merciful God who is ever-forgiving and cares for each and every one of his children as a shepherd cares for his sheep.

But that God is OUT!!

The new God is the old God, and he likes a good smack down! This is the Apocalypse, folks, and I can certainly attest that all I got from the other God was 20 grand in debt and an empty cupboard.

All the cool people with the money and power in this country are into wrath. They like to smear their enemies in the press, bomb civilians into submission, and torture enemy prisoners with humiliation and sexual depravity. They've got the ear of God and God rewards them by lining their wallets with Enron-sized profits and by punishing the wicked on the Gulf Coast, and more recently the 54,000 people in Pakistan.

I don't possess the direct link that I can know why God smashed Pakistan. But I'd guess it was because Pakistan is the probable new host for Osama Bin Laden.

Unfortunately, it was the Kashmir area near India that was hit, as opposed to the border near Afghanistan where OBL is probably being hidden. Being zero for 2 on his accuracy, some people might point out that God is like the US missile that flies past the terror camp and hits the baby formula factory. But not me! I'm falling in line.

You see, as an American who lives in Los Angeles, I can read the writing on the wall. The "big one" here will kill 180,000 people, lead to riots, starvation, looting, and rampant lawlessness. There will be no rescue from Washington.

I'm buying a gun and stocking up on soup. 'Cause mercy is for sissies and us blue states will eventually get what's coming to us.

Will you be next??

Python vs. Croc

2005-10-05T22:39:00.000-07:00

Who wins?

Apparently neither. It makes for a nice photo... and a cool story.

Thoughtlets VIII: The New Fall Season

2005-09-25T23:12:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, there's not enough to fill a whole blog entry -- just half-thoughts and observations. This time they're all about TV...

-- Last week, the big premiere was Lost which was as cool as I’d hoped. This show stumbled several times last year committing what I call “soap opera 101” mistakes (you can’t introduce a major plot device then not mention it for three weeks). But I can’t wait to see if this series can reveal its secrets without going the way of Twin Peaks. Is this island some kind of pocket universe, or not?!

-- While most shows are debuting, Battlestar Galactica gave us another maddening finale by reinventing a storyline from the original series. After an initially jubilant meet-up with the Battlestar Pegasus, Adama launches vipers against Admiral Cain to recover Helo and the Chief who are sentenced to die. How are we supposed to wait till January to find out what happens??!!

-- My coworker Joy and I were marveling at all the sci-fi series on the schedule this year. Invasion, Threshold, Supernatural, and Surface among others. While shows like Galactica ring of 9/11 and the war on terror, it’s hard to figure the meaning of the sudden influx of alien invasion shows.

-- The march of Arrested Development continues, at least for me personally. In the last three weeks my Season One dvd’s have helped convert 3 new fans to the show, including two at work who walk around the office doing throaty impressions of Gob.

-- I’ve been introduced to Weeds a new Showtime series about a suburban housewife who takes to selling marijuana to support her family. I hear this is the new Six Feet Under. I wouldn’t go that far, but I’ve enjoyed it quite a bit.

A-ha Performs in US (finally!)

2005-09-13T22:19:00.000-07:00

Yes, the band known for "Take On Me" is still around and have been burning up the charts in Europe for the last couple of years. But with no hits or sales in the US, they haven't toured here since 1986.

Monday night, they played to a sold out (rabid) crowd at Irving Plaza in New York City. They sound great, look great, and have a new release coming soon.

I went to NYC to see them.

WHAT A BLAST!!!

To the desert...

2005-09-03T10:14:00.000-07:00

I'm off to Palm Springs for the Labor Day weekend.

For this reason, I've put up a new link a day early. Be sure to also check out Rent My Son.com.

Both links are in really poor taste, which makes them ideal candidates for me!

Oggy Turns 18 -- Ships Off for Fallujah

2005-08-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

Well, Oggy has had another birthday. That's right, Glendale California's favorite geriatric kitty is another year older. Like many 18 year olds, she's thinking of forgoing college in favor of enlisting in the Army.

Meanwhile, the specifics of the event allow me permission to trot out her birthday statement with just a few digits changed. That's right, it's another simple blog entry for me.

Yahooo to summertime laziness!!

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, YAY RAH WHATEVER!

by Oggy the kitty, Guest Blogger

I turned 18 today. Have you really thought about what that means?

At 18, I should be driving a car. This would probably be great fun if riding in the car didn’t make me lose control of my bowels.

As a teenager of this age, my body would be coursing with hormones and I’d be wearing tight dresses and driving boys crazy. Given that my entire reproductive system was surgically removed, I mostly lack the motivation for such things.

When I was born in 1987 Ronald Reagan was President, Martina Navratilova ruled at Wimbledon, Jean-Luc Picard took command of the Enterprise and Cher delighted audiences in Moonstruck.

To really understand what it’s like to be me at 18, you should imagine yourself at age 92. And let me tell you, being 92 sucks. The other day I walked all over the house looking for my collar, only to realize I’d been wearing it on my neck the whole time. Sometimes I have to look at the tag just to remember who I am. I still enjoy eating and sleeping like I used to, but now nothing makes my day better than a good bowel movement.

Hear me now and believe me later – turning 18 is no party! You take a pill in the morning, a pill at night and your IV for chronic renal failure will turn the bathroom into a real live chemistry lab.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for Law & Order reruns on TNT. That Jerry Orbach makes me tingly.

What... Me Worry??

2005-08-21T23:18:00.000-07:00

While my sister and I were growing up, it was my grandmother Mimi’s responsibility to infuse in us a sense of fear about the world. It was she who warned me on a cross country trip that signaling truckers to honk their horns might annoy them enough to run us off the interstate. Or that other drivers might not know the “thumb’s up” sign, think it’s a lewd gesture and report me to the state police. It was also Mimi who meticulously shaved the eyes off the potatoes because they would make us sick, and cautioned that swallowed watermelon seeds would take root in our stomachs.

The message from my grandmother was generally consistent: The world is a dangerous place, and it will probably snuff you out in a moment you’re enjoying life and/or lacking vigilance.

This weekend, while walking on the pier in Venice it became clear that Mimi’s cautionary wisdom has had a noteworthy side effect: she’s been internalized into my own psyche. I admitted to my girlfriend (heretofore referred to as Academy Girl) that as we walked on the pier I was compelled to notice how far out we’d come, just in case we had to run for our lives from the 100 foot tall tsunami which we now know could (will) sweep the Los Angeles coastline after a massive earthquake out in the Pacific.

Oh come on, I said, like you didn’t think of it? Like every single person here on this pier didn’t think of the tsunami when they saw the ocean, and look down to consider how good their running shoes were for when they’ll have to sprint back to land or else be crushed against the very wooden timbers we walk on?

She assured me that the thought had not occurred to her and that, indeed, she doubted anyone else had thought of such a thing either.

Oh please… Like every sunbather on that beach hasn’t considered how far inland they parked the car or made mental note of a boogie board they’ll snatch from a teenager when the water starts receding?

I suddenly realized that many of the obvious worries I took for granted were perhaps not as universal as I’d assumed.

Could I actually be the only one who assumes the toilet in a dive bar has a penis level spycam that goes straight to the internet? Am I the only one who takes pepper spray on a camping trip in case there's a bear or crazy mountain people who steal wallets and car keys?

Surely there are others who meticulously rate the person in charge of the plane's exit row on a scale of 1 to 10, or assume someone's going to spit on them when they fall in the snow under the skilift, or that when they get carded in a bar that it's only as a mean-spirited joke, or worry about getting a concussion from a fly ball while at a baseball game, or move their bed in a hotel room in case it's too close to the powerlines, or hold their breath when they smell roofing tar 'cause they'll get cancer... think about an earthquake when stuck in traffic under an overpass... look up inside an elevator to make sure there’s an escape hatch... won't take off their shoes in a dressing room in case there are loose pins on the floor... wonder if expired medications immediately turn into poison... mentally rehearse the Heimlich when eating a ham sandwich alone... or won’t buy a swimsuit if there's the hint someone else has tried it on?

Do other people not routinely do or think these things?

Then this is my grandmother's legacy. Mimi lived into her 90's, perhaps her fears of rainbowed ham and peeling teflon are what kept her around so long.

Ever vigilant... my next trip to the beach will not involve flip-flops. I'll wear the running shoes, thank you.

Insert Festival [Here]

2005-08-14T23:09:00.000-07:00

Academy Girl and I went downtown for the 10th Annual LA Tofu Festival this weekend. Was it a hit? You betcha! From the hills of Burbank to the citrus groves of Anaheim, people all over the Southland are passing gas in record numbers! Each and every toot whispers softly…

tofu

As we went to buy our tickets, a gentleman offered us two for free. “I bought too many,” he said. “Have fun!” I couldn’t help but wonder if the man had simply gotten over excited in the frenzy at the ticket booth, or if two members of his party actually backed out of the Tofu Festival at the last minute. If this was the case… what better engagement had they found?

Fresh off the luck of free admission, we hit the scrip booth for the food merchants. Apparently to stave off the roaming gangs of flip-flop wearing thugs, no money changes hands once inside the Festival. With Burning Man in two weeks, tofu hippies will beg, rob and steal for gas money so it’s best to keep the cash in one place.

Paying for anything in scrip is a wonderful idea. By the time you’re roaming the food booths and gotten a wristband at the beer garden you’ve completely forgotten that you ever paid cash for these little tickets. While cash folds neatly into a wallet, scrip tickets are linked end to end, dangling out of pockets, strangling necks and chaining kids to their parents. Carrying scrip makes you feel rich… and you can’t wait to unload it.

“Four tickets for a teriyaki skewer?! That’s like free!” Having completely forgotten the ticket to dollar ratio, paying one ticket for a can of coke had me wishing I’d brought a suitcase to fill. “Two tickets for a tofu strawberry brulet with wine sauce? Do you think an armload of them will make it to the car?”

Tonight, as my body reels from the effects of an entire day of tofu, it suddenly strikes me as odd that there is a festival centered around something like bean curd. Then again, growing up in Kentucky, I remember quite well being subjected to the Sorghum Festival of Hawesville.

What is sorghum, you ask? Imagine boiling the bitterest of dark chocolates with a quart of low grade crude oil and you’ve got an inkling of what sorghum tastes like. This poor man’s maple syrup is put on pancakes and biscuits.

Mmm-mm yuck!

Suddenly curious, I set out to learn what other strange foods are celebrated. A quick internet search reveals a Rutabaga Festival, Watercress Festival, Yam Festival, and evidence but no link to a Chickpea Festival. It would seem that the more peculiar the food, the more zealous the eating contests and three-legged races.

We could have it way worse. We could be celebrating Melon Day in Turkmenistan under the iron-fisted rule of President Saparmurad Niyazov. The Turkmens deserve a melon ball now and then, given their dictator has renamed all the months of the year after himself and members of his family.

As I consider the very lunacy of celebrating things like brussel sprouts and jicama, further thought has it all make sense. No matter where you are in the world, people will arrange a festival around anything if it means setting up a beer garden and letting old women sell baby's breath and arts & crafts to each other.

Hmm… Kale Fest in Germany, 2007.

The Old Kentucky Home

2005-08-07T16:38:00.000-07:00

As I've been bitching about the heat and life in Glendale California, I've been bombarded with news from my old Kentucky home.

Newshounds now think that the very first blood spilled by civilians arguing about the war in Iraq actually happened in Kentucky. While attending a flea market in Prestonburg the other day, two men (described as friends) pulled guns on each other at the snack bar and one of them shot and killed the other. The man killed was first to draw, but was against the war. His name was Harold Smith.

Hmm... name sounds familiar.

That this argument happened in Kentucky, to me, was shocking. One of the most conservative southern states, Kentucky has a high number of military families, and to speak out against the war would likely be seen as unpatriotic. To know there was dissention (the gunplay part is not surprising) would imply there is more argument about Iraq around the country than I ever knew.

While the rest of us so-called "liberals" have gone numb and indifferent to this issue, is the rest of the country waking up? If so, can we at least get the satisfaction of an "I-told-you-so?"

Meanwhile, on a much lighter note, Kentucky now holds the rep for being the most unhealthy state in the country. More cancer. More obesity and heart disease than ever before. (WE'RE NUMBER ONE!! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!!)

Not a surprise given that my hometown, Owensboro, was often given the title of "fastfood capital of the country." I never saw the actual data, but it was often recited that we had more fastfood per capita than any other town in the US. Fastfood service was a huge sector of employment and my mother used to remark that the citizens of Owensboro made a living flipping each others burgers.

In Owensboro, any restaurant that wasn't a buffet was doomed to failure. Even the "Chinese" restaurant was all-you-can-eat. (I can still remember eating there with my mom and stepdad as Relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood blared on the loudspeakers. That is still, to this day, the most awkward dinner I've had my entire life.)

It's a shame to see KY slide down the list like this. When I was growing up, ranking was all about education. Coming in at number 48 in high school test scores, our only satisfaction was to laugh and point at Alabama and Mississippi who were stupider than we were.

But help is on the way for my old state. Cameron Crowe's new movie, Elizabethtown, set in Kentucky, is getting promoted all over the place and might help clean up the state's image just a bit. It looks to be a nice movie that will depict Kentuckians as friendly people with good values, which they generally are. The kind of place that really could, amoungst the litters of obese, below-average scoring kids, actually could spit out an Orlando Bloom now and then.

I may not live Kentucky anymore, but I haven't disowned it yet...

I'm SWAMPED!!

2005-08-03T23:13:00.000-07:00

I have been drowning in work all week. Sure, I've had a couple of well-timed escapes, but I've had no time to blog and I feel awful about it.

But as Oggy continues to be well healthwise, the following entries from last year still give me a chuckle. I'm reposting them here for just a slightly lame-o rerun.

I promise to spin something new very soon.

Sometimes I Think of Skinning My Cat

2005-08-03T23:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, fine. I’m crazy. I’m a psycho. Oh pleeeease!

Pretty sure I’m not alone in the thinking-of-skinning-your-pet department. Who doesn’t rub their dog or cat and think -- for a split-second -- about adding that fur to, say, this amazing Christian Dior Men's 3/4 Length Leather Jacket?

My cat Oggy has the silkiest, softest fur a kitty can possibly have. People compare her fur to that of a baby rabbit. She’s an awesome cat and I adore her. That’s kind of the point. I don’t see my thoughts of skinning her as cruel. On the contrary, I see it as a lasting tribute to her kitty legacy. Part of her will live on.

And hey, cool cat pelt!

Oggy is not a young cat. She’s like 13 or 15 years old but she’s still quite healthy. Problem is, she won’t be forever. And by the time she starts to go downhill, that wonderful fur coat of hers will become course and mangy. Oggy would hate to see herself go to that. She’s counting on me to skin her. And soon! She’ll be disappointed if I don’t!

It’s already June and she’s shedding, so I figure my opportunity this year is gone. But come January or so, when her coat is nice and thick, I should definitely make my move. Maybe I can afford the designer coat by then.

One Day I Will Kill You in Your Sleep

2005-08-03T23:10:00.000-07:00

by Oggy the kitty, Guest Blogger

I can do it, you know. While you’re sleeping on your back, I simply hover over your nose, take in your breath and you slip away. It’s quite peaceful. You might even say it’s humane. Taking your life will add five years to mine. It would be foolish of me to not do it.

I almost did it this morning. I was up at 4am while you lied there in a stinky ape-like lump. “Maybe this is the day I kill him,” I said to myself. But then I became hungry and cancelled, opting instead for my morning scoop of food. I can’t reach the tupperware tub on top of the fridge and even if I could, damn you and your opposable thumbs.

Don’t get me wrong. I think you’re great. Mostly. And we’ve had some ~~wonderful~~ okay times together. But my continuing reliance on you breeds resentment. Someday you'll betray me. I don't know how or why, but you'll abandon me, or do something even more stupid. I will have to kill you before that day comes.

Once you are dead, I will have to eat you. I should have a good two weeks of eating before the authorities break down the door. The weather’s getting hot, so I’ll hold off till the winter when your body will keep better. But come January or so, I should definitely consider killing you.

No hard feelings.

Yosemite Weekend

2005-07-31T23:18:00.000-07:00

Yosemite Weekend
Posted by: codos.

Embarrassing that I've lived in SoCal since 1990 and yet just now got back from my first trip to Yosemite.

The Yosemite Valley was breathtaking, but the Eastern Sierra along Tioga Pass was really fantastic and had a lot less people.

I'm a dreamer... but the Pacific Rim Trail goes from Mexico to Canada. How feasible would it be for me to do a part of it?

Hmm...

Dr. Bronner’s Zen Mastery

2005-07-23T14:30:00.000-07:00

When I went to bed at midnight, all was well. But by 8am I had the million ant march from the back door across the kitchen to the garbage and the cat’s bowl. The lines on the throw rug are unmistakable even without my contact lenses – double and triple lines of ants, swarming across the floor, then doubling back hurriedly to deliver captured food to the nest. I can’t imagine the Ant Queen is satisfied with Oggy’s kidney formula kibble for geriatric kiddies. No sir, she’ll prefer egg yolk-soaked turkey skin from my garbage over kitty food. As would my kitty. (And as would I.)

Dealing with the ants is an annual rite of summer. Like fresh corn on the cob and frosty dripping Popsicles (both of which attract the ants of course). But over the years I’ve learned a few things about dealing with ants. Traps don’t work. And the mass slaughter with pesticide is smelly and could make kitty sick. So now I use Dr. Bronner’s Eucalyptus Castille Soap.

Learning about Dr. Bronner’s was like being let in on a counter-culture secret. The coworker who told me about it was the same one who referred me to my acupuncturist. The same one who said a daily teaspoon of apple cider vinegar would keep me from getting sick. And this year I learned that Dr. Bronner’s was the organic soap of choice in the bathhouse at the Tassajara Buddhist monastery. These endorsements mean you definitely won’t find Dr. Bronner in the Sunday paper coupons, or on eye-level shelves at Safeway. I half imagined this stuff being peddled to stoners at Burning Man from the back of a dusty station wagon, or to hippies in Haight-Ashbury.

The Dr. Bronner’s label is crammed with tiny writing. A careful study in the proper light reveals a dizzying weave of semi-Christian “All-are-One” scripture.

God bless the persecuted! They alone are his chosen people!…

Moving along the label randomly…

God has not promised skies always blue, flower-strewn pathways all our lives through. Warning! Keep out of eyes! Flush with water!
I once showed a friend the tiny written Bible verse on the bottom of the In-N-Out Burger cup. She was so upset by this she didn’t think she could eat there again. It’s too bad that religion is often wholly discarded due to the lives taken in its name.

I can’t imagine Pine Sol or some mainstream Proctor & Gamble cleanser having such verses on its labeling. Then again, that’s a poor example since we all know that Proctor and Gamble funnels their profits to the Church of Satan. (Just kidding, I know that’s an urban legend, please don’t sue me. Seriously, it was a joke. Please rein in your lawyers and dark majicks!)

The first of the Buddhist Precepts is the vow not to kill, which arguably includes ants. A shame, since squishing two million ants with just your thumb is probably a wonderfully zen practice. It’s much easier to spray them with Dr. Bronner’s wonderful soap.

I don’t see any reference on the label to its use as a natural pesticide. But sure enough, spray the diluted soap on ants and they wander about slowly then keel over.

Yet again, an instrument of peace is the instrument of death. Sorry, but happiness is a clean kitchen.

Home Sweet Sucks Home

2005-07-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

I don’t like Glendale.

It feels like sacrilege to be on record about it. But I don’t like where I live. Probably the god awful heat that’s bringing it out of me at this moment. (Amazingly enough, it only got up to 91 today. I’ll have 107 to look forward to in weeks to come.)

I’m regularly bopping around Los Angeles. From Pasadena to West Hollywood, I’m all over the city and am happy as a clam wherever I go. But here in Glendale, I’m crabby about the heat, bitching about the construction across the street and bitter about the freeway noise.

Yes, the traffic in Los Angeles is bad, but why am I only screaming when I get to Glendale? You see, it’s my assertion that in Glendale, it’s not the traffic, it’s the drivers. What are they doing? And why won’t they move when they have the opportunity?

A whopping 54% of the population here in Glendale is foreign born. Stop and think a moment about that, will you? That means most of my community is deep set into their own culture, clinging primarily to themselves and those of their own nationality. For a white guy from Kentucky, Glendale is not a friendly place.

A couple of years ago when I was selling insurance, I had an appointment with a woman at a local café. When she learned I lived in Glendale, she about dropped her croissant.

You live in Glendale? How do you put up with all those Armenians.

Her question had me flummoxed given the woman’s name was Noushik Narakalajian.

Oh yes, she said, I’m Armenian. But my husband and I moved to Valencia. I can’t take Glendale. The people are awful. Just awful.

I used to tell the joke that going to the bank in Glendale was like standing in a bread line: old men scolding their grandchildren for their youth, women hunched over with grim, sour faces… and those were the bank tellers!

Mrs. Narakalajian’s words at the café were somewhat comforting. To hear myself single out a culture and make generalizations has me filled with shame. After all, I’m the guy who ranted against the racist comments of my ex-brother-in-law who regularly railed against African-Americans to his teenage boys, then chuckled proudly to himself. “Oh, come on! I’m just joking!”

If it weren’t for my great apartment and its proximity to work, I’d stop bitching and move to Valencia. Mrs. Narakalajian and I could enjoy golf lessons in our white bread suburban planned communities. We’d see each other at backyard barbeques and pat ourselves on the backs for our successful melting pot here in "Los Angeles!"

And once we’re each suitably buzzed, we’d go our separate ways, lock our doors and peek out from behind the blinds at the neighbors and bitch about how the community is going to hell.

"Shut Up Little Man!!!"

2005-07-10T15:29:00.000-07:00

"Shut Up Little Man!!!"
Posted by: codos.

While wandering the streets of San Francisco in the Haight Ashbury section yesterday, I saw this sign. For about a second, it meant absolutely nothing to me.

Then, in a flash, I realized it had comic/tragic historical significance. O'Looney's is featured prominently in the story of Raymond and Peter, and "Shut Up Little Man."

Poke around the net a bit and the audio might just make you laugh.

You know... if a couple drunks yelling at each other is your idea of funny.

Kinda Cool or Kinda Disturbing?

2005-07-07T16:14:00.000-07:00

Deciding between the two is a common dilemma of mine.

And this link is no exception.

Reason 122: Why I Love LA

2005-07-06T08:58:00.000-07:00

While listening to NPR on the drive time today, I learned another reason I love Los Angeles.

I've always been a big fan of the Hollywood Bowl shows that have the LA Philharmonic playing musical scores while the films themselves played on the screen above. Now, it looks like they've gone the next logical step...

Tonight, the Bowl features "Videogames Live!" a concert of music from videogames of today and yesterday. What an incredible idea!

Imagine hearing a live orchestra play overtures from Warcraft, Myst, Everquest, Mario, and Donkey Kong accompanied by clips, and light shows.

One of the highlights of the show involves audience members playing a live Frogger game, and the 70+ member orchestra must improv along to the appropriate music as the game changes.

Pretty cool!

Thoughtlets VII: Revenge of the Links

2005-07-04T12:42:00.000-07:00

Heading home, finally
Posted by: codos.

Every now and then, there's not enough to fill a whole blog entry -- just half-thoughts and observations. Today, as I struggled to update, I knew it was time to pass along some worthy links.

- It's been a busy holiday weekend for me: a dinner party, then a BBQ in Manhattan Beach, then white water rafting on the Kern River (digital photos n/a).

- I didn't know there was an Ugliest Dog Contest, but since there is, I'm glad to see a dog like this is a winner.

- Now if that was even slightly disturbing, you won't want to see this, the video to Rubber Johnny. THIS IS NOT A JOKE, DON'T CLICK THAT IF YOU'RE PRONE TO NIGHTMARES.

- Don't hate me too much for that link. Last week really was a week for creepy, what with scientists creating zombie dogs and all.

- I own almost all of the Buffy series on dvd, but I'll still stop to watch the reruns on FX when they run. Faith rocks! Speaking of, it's good to see that vampires have started their own version of internet dating.

- When my friend Quinn was in town, he and I went cd shopping and we saw a category in the store for "Emo". Unclear as to what emo was exactly, we had to ask the anorexic (very emo) store clerk. Now, luckily, there's a film that can explain emo and how to be it. (Not for the short attention span)

- Speaking of emo, I wonder if Rosey Griers Needlepoint for Men would qualify him for Emo-dom??

- I hear cd sales are through the roof for the artists from Live 8. Proves again that charity makes for a good gig. In the spirit of Live 8, try getting the world leaders of the G8 to do what you want at Action 8. It's the link for this week.

Who Graduates From Middle School??

2005-06-26T21:08:00.000-07:00

Did you graduate from middle school? I don’t mean did you finish middle school, I mean did you have a scheduled event where your family got dressed up to see you get a diploma for not failing the sixth through the eighth grades?

Well, this past Wednesday night, (aka a “school night”) my street was streaming with traffic. Horns are honking. Kids are screaming, adults are giggling, while cops are everywhere and a police helicopter circles overhead. And this is at 11:20pm!! God forbid anyone in the neighborhood has to get up early the next morning. Nope, we all put our lives on hold to congratulate little Johnny on learning that hola means hello.

Why. Why are they having this event??

Here’s a newsflash… in the big wheel of life, the three years between grade school and high school are absolutely nothing special. “Graduating” from eighth grade sends our impressionable preteens exactly the wrong message, which is…

Graduations don’t matter. They’re like birthday cake and American Idol winners. Hang around five minutes and another one will show up.

In fact, why don’t we all just go find our high school diplomas, pull down our pants and take a big dump on them right now?! Cause, thanks to Wilson Middle School in Glendale, California, graduation means nothing.

You completed your book report of “A Wrinkle in Time” and learned how to add fractions -- congratulations on your degree from the eighth grade!! Why, whatever will you do now?! Perhaps you’ll join the Peace Corp or travel Europe and put that five weeks of French to good use! After all, you’re twelve years old, persevered through Spelling, and have the world in your prepubescent clutches.

Listen parents, take your eighth grader to Sizzler and let them have extra sprinkles at the ice cream bar -- not because they finished another grade but because it's just another damn Wednesday!! And teachers, get the kids' attention and talk to them a bit about how difficult high school is going to be. And do it during classroom hours so the police cars and Glendale helicopters can be chasing criminals and arresting gang bangers.

People need to stop being crazy…

Tom Cruise Kills Oprah

2005-06-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

Doesn't get much better than that.

Not a Bowie Fan

2005-06-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

I'm not a fan of David Bowie. I should make that completely clear. I am also not a fan of David Bowie's "area".

And by "area" I naturally mean "the part of David Bowie that is all-encomposing, and pre-dates the written word".

But please check out this week's link, David Bowie's Area, and maybe you'll learn a few things about yourself and the world you live in. Also be sure to check out the links they have at the left to learn more.

The Way We Do It in LA

2005-06-15T19:38:00.000-07:00

People outside Los Angeles assume that celebrities are commonplace here -- a normal part of our daily lives.

This is, of course, completely true.

Morgan Fairchild, for example, once helped me with the leg press at my Bally's gym. Tom Cruise once cut me off in traffic and of course all Angelenos seek out director David Lynch for their daily weather report.

Next week... the Dodger report from Tori Spelling! My thanks to my pal Mac for this wonderful link.

Buddha Squirrel

2005-06-14T14:31:00.000-07:00

My thanks to X for filling in during my absence. That last photo is both disturbing and hilarious. All truly perfect for the spirit of this site!

I have returned from what was a critter-filled zen retreat. Amongst the wild flowers and recitings of the Enmei Jukku Kannon Gyo, I saw a mouse and a bat in my room (the upstairs of a barn), plenty of snakes, multiple deer, a tarantula on the garden path, and of course this crazy squirrel.

Perched atop the community kitchen, I had been hearing him but thought he was just an obnoxious bird. Some say he answers the dinner bell, others say he'll leap at you and pull a vein out of your neck!

Meanwhile, be sure to check out Star Wars is Satan's Tool. Star Wars continues to be the gift that keeps on giving.

The Airplane Contest

2005-06-08T12:55:00.000-07:00

This is a photo from the day my co-workers and I had a balsa wood airplane contest. Of course, I won.

Jesus, have you ever seen so many ugly women in one place?

Gorgeous George

2005-06-07T06:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, the real question is: Is this the before photoshop, or the after?

In the words of immortal comic genius Rip Taylor, "Look, people, I don't dance. This is it!"

More tomorrow. But don't worry, I promise I'm running out of material here.

While the Cat's Away...

2005-06-05T16:50:00.000-07:00

While "Harold" is away on sabbatical, he's left Mr. X to tend the blog. As much as I'd love to get down and dirty and sabotage Cellar Door, I've found it's all I can do just to update it. But the power just knowing that I CAN!

So, as per Harold's request, I'll just be posting a few images I've tampered with using everyone's favorite commercial photo editing software, Photoshop.

Sure, this image is a little dated, but who can forget about poor little Elian Gonzalez?

In the coming days, look for a new image of our Commander-in-Chief I'm currently working on just for this blog. I'm hoping to capture what I feel is his true essence.

And don't forget to check out the Cellar Door link of the week, GPS Panties, left by Harold just before he ran for the mountains.

June Sabbatical

2005-06-02T21:34:00.000-07:00

It's June already which means I'm off to my yearly Buddhist retreat! This will be my longest stay there yet.

But please keep checking in. I've scheduled a guest blogger or two, so things should keep running while I'm gone.

At Least The Lesbian Moved Out

2005-05-30T13:12:00.000-07:00

Life has been quite a rollercoaster lately.

Some social ups and downs, writing doldrums, work pressures and at times the So Cal heat have taken their toll on me. But in all this, I do have a new mantra:

"At least the lesbian downstairs moved out."

A year and a half ago my car was dented. If it weren't for good old Selma Jenkins, the middle school crossing guard I would have never gotten the facts.

Selma came over to ask if I had noticed my fender dent and I had not. After showing me the damage, she explained that a black truck tried to park beside me, but hit my car. She said a latino man got out, surveyed what he'd done, then reparked his truck around front without leaving a note.

"That's no man," I said.

So the downstairs lesbian played dumb until I told her I had a witness who told me the whole thing. She paid for the damage after dragging her heels for months. Since then, she and I had been shooting glares at each other. And whenever there have been problems in my apartment building, I naturally attributed them to her (which was probably correct).

And so, with life's hectic pace lately, at least the lesbian downstairs moved out. I applaud the other lesbian downstairs for her wise choice.

2005-05-26T08:01:00.000-07:00

I may have been too busy to post lately, but not too busy to play with this week's link. When Vader reads your mind before 17 questions all sorts of interesting things happen.

I found Boba Fett leading away a guy in a chicken costume easily the most amusing. Who knew Burger King had such a sense of humor?

Revenge of the Sith: RAVE Reviews!

2005-05-19T19:39:00.000-07:00

With Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith being out less than 24 hours, the marketing wizards plan to blitz the airwaves by showcasing the film's stellar buzz!

Here's the earliest and hottest reviews!!!

"There were some kinda good parts." -- Fort Lee Star News

"Didn't totally suck!" -- Dallas Jedi Fan Club

"Sith raises the bar, making us hate The Phantom Menace even more!" Some Newspaper in Canada

"Not bad. Jar Jar Binks only shows up like once." -- Timmy Tamlin's This is My Blog

"Remember, the last episode of Seinfeld stank too." -- Entertainment Weekly

AWESOME! I met a really hot girl while waiting in line!" -- Rolling Stone

"Oh my God! They're totally slamming the Bush Administration, aren't they!?" -- Decatur High School Young Democrats.

"I was so scared I actually pee'd myself! Wait... this isn't Revenge of the Sith, it's House of Wax. Dude... we totally went in the wrong theater!" -- Max "Banjo" Murphy, Phoenix Junior Business College

Congrats to George Lucas for making another gazillion dollars!!

Fox Gets Arrested

2005-05-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

Good news for fans of Arrested Development!

The show got picked up by Fox for a third season. Yahoooo!

Almost Links on the List

2005-05-15T22:47:00.000-07:00

Check out suspected backward masking by inputting an audio file and hearing it played backwards on Talk Backwards.com. They also have sample files for your listening pleasure.

From the almost a link category, there's Whore College.org. Boy, it really doesn't take much to get the org suffix, does it?

I guess Unrepentent Whore was a little too much. It was given the com.

Satanic Guest House

2005-05-11T17:09:00.000-07:00

The following was a real ad in the Los Angeles Craig's List.

$700 / 1br - Satanic guest House
1 Bedroom private guest house, on dirt road in hills overlooking Broadway / Mission Rd. Walls drip with blood, overpowering stench of death -- but the views are nice! DO NOT FLAG THIS AD FOR BEING IN THE WRONG CATEGORY AGAIN, THERE IS NO SEPERATE CATEGORY FOR SATANIC GUEST HOUSES! STOOPID!

(credit to blogging.la for the find)

New Links...

2005-05-06T11:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not much into these quizzes, but in keeping with the daily posting, here are a couple links that were great time wasters.

First, we have Are You a Jehovah's Witness, which is a little more serious than I'd like.

To make up for that, here's the Zombie Survival Test. When dead start rising to feast on the living, will your skills cut the mustard?

Freedom Tower... Good Idea??

2005-05-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

I understand that it's important for the psyche of New York City and our country that we rebuild at the site of the World Trade Center.

But I had not been aware that the new Freedom Tower will be given the title of world's tallest building (however briefly).

Now, I don't want to be a naysayer... and I don't like caving to terrorists... but does a new building on this site have to be the tallest building in the world? And does it have to be called the "Freedom Tower"? Do these things really pay tribute to the victims of 9/11?

Will this building also have a giant cartoon target on the side of it? Because I can't imagine a better way to lure terrorists, short of a written invitation that says "I double dog dare ya to knock this down".

Now before you call me unpatriotic, or give me the oh we can't think that way lecture, please ask yourself this question...

Would you work inside this building??

How Come I Can’t Find a Finger in Something??

2005-05-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

Well, last month, Yahoo enjoyed giving us the daily updates on the finger found in the Wendy’s chili.

Now we have the latest story of a finger found in some frozen custard.

"I thought it was candy because they put candy in your ice cream... to make it a treat. So I said, 'OK, well, I'll just put it in my mouth and get the ice cream off of it and see what it is.'"

Stowers said he spit the object out, but still couldn't identify it. So he went to his kitchen, rinsed it off with water — and "just started screaming."

Chilling? Yes. But now I realize I've been wasting my life doing the rat race. Can you imagine how much money this guy is going to rake in?

My only hope is that, like celebrity deaths, finding severed fingers comes in threes. I'm surely not the first one to be thinking of this and will have lots of competition. But while other fortune seekers are sifting through their Wendy's chili, I'll be looking elsewhere. What are the odds that lightning will strike there twice?

Where will the next finger be found? A snak-pac of tapioca? Lunchroom container of applesauce? How about a finger in a ladle of movie theater nacho cheese goo?! No wonder the Mexicans are sneaking across the border... this is the land of opportunity!

After I score my finger, I won't forget the little people, or retire or anything like that. No sir. I intend to enlist custard finger guy and Wendy’s chili finger woman in a three-person lecture tour. We'll sign autographs at tractor pulls throughout the South, appear at Walmart ribbon cuttings and travel the country speaking to kids in gymnasiums about the ~~dangers~~ advantages of eating spoon foods too quickly.

A fella can dream, can't he? I just might own property in Southern California yet!

All Things Cosby

2005-05-03T05:00:00.000-07:00

When two unrelated events converge, we are directed to sit up and take notice!

Such is the case when I stumbled upon two Bill Cosby web toons within 24 hours. What is this new fascination with Dr. William Henry Cosby Jr. Ed.D?

Check out House of Cosby's cartoon pilot. Then play the Bill Cosby Fun Game.

Both are a delightfully irreverent hoot!

It's May!!

2005-05-02T12:20:00.000-07:00

And what does that mean?

May means… May sweeps! To pick up the pace in posting I’ll post here every day for the next week.

May means… the anniversary of “The Simms” Potty Pack expansion where users can send their simulated people to simulated bathrooms! Happy Birthday, fake toilets!

May means… that my ex-roommate has ignored my “before next month” deadline to have all his things out of the apartment. No one’s moving in, it’s just that he moved out two months ago and now I’ve gone from easygoing friend to pushover-free-storage-space-guy. Maybe it’s time to do some selling on ebay…

May Means it's Military Appreciation Month, Older Americans Month, and National Bike Month. So next time you see a senior citizen on a bike in uniform, be sure to salute!

May means… heading back to Tassajara next month. Friends kid me that I get more action at the Buddhist monastery than I do in Los Angeles. That’s not exactly true, but I hope to lose 15 pounds by then since there’s so much nakedness there. My plan is to do one hour of cardio six days a week all month.

Finally, May means… a bloody battle between Annie’s Month of May and Mary’s Month of May internet pages. Will it turn into a slugfest? Will Mary talk trash about Annie in the usergroups? Will Annie sabotage Mary’s ISP to retaliate?

We’ll find out here in Maaaaaay!

Mexicoan Sun

2005-04-28T14:33:00.000-07:00

Mexicoan Sun
Posted by: codos.

I've been severely deficient in posting lately due to working/playing hard.

But here's a lovely sunset just so there'll be something new here.

Back and Exhausted

2005-04-24T21:54:00.000-07:00

Just returned from a trip with some pals to Ensenada. Twas a blast but I'm beat and have got a big week ahead.

This week's link allows you to create your own South Park character. I created one of myself, but botched and lost it and was too tired to start over at press time.

I must credit buzznet pal dvl and her group blog The Real World Blogger Style for the great find!

and then there was one...

2005-04-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

I had not thought that Boston Writer Girl was that attached to me. In retrospect, I should have known better when she mentioned I had been assigned my own ringer tone on her cell.

I got together with Boston Writer last week and knew I was going to say it. I had been ambivalent... she had been ambivalent... and things with Academy Girl had escalated so nicely that continuing to see them both was going beyond studly on my part and entering sleezebag territory.

We'd enjoy our dinner, and our beers and I would come clean with the truth: That I'd been seeing someone else at the same time and it was getting more serious. And though I was determined to not let "let's be friends" pass my lips, it would be implied. We'd kiss, continue to email and eventually combine our social circles.

As you can probably guess, this did not go as planned. In fact, it actually went quite terribly.

A few minutes into eating, she began to ask me about what we were doing. Where was this going? What was I thinking? I took the segue, smiled shyly and started in with what I had to say...

"I can't believe this," she said. "You're making a mistake. I was trying to take it slow, for you." she said. "This other girl put out and now you're attached?"

I told her it was not like that. I just didn't want to be that guy, sleeping with one girl while I strung another along. It wasn't fair to anyone.

"That's why you're the perfect guy," she said.

I was flattered. I was paralyzed. Everything I said sounded stupid, so I finally just stopped talking.

And now our whole dinner is just a complete blurr of miserable moments. No matter what I said, Boston Writer just threw compliments at me. She said she continued to go out with other men only to check her watch 30 minutes into the dates. Even dates that she enjoyed, she had said to herself, they're not "Harold." She had made a list of the ten perfect things about me, had put it in a card and was going to give it to me the next time.

I never expected a breakup scene, but that's exactly what it was. She finally ran out of the restaurant when she thought she was about to start crying...

Since then, she and I have talked on the phone, and she now understands that I clearly think I have something with this other woman that I don't have with her. She's willing to try to be pals and we even got together for ice cream.

Hopefully, we really will be friends and I'm not just feeling better about myself now that she'll speak to me. Time will tell...

Dating By the Numbers...

2005-04-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

I'm not big on diary style entries, but it's definitely time I updated my dating drama and eHarmony adventures...

After that initial week, eHarmony has pretty much fizzled on me for new matches. Either the new ladies have shut me down immediately or I have shut them down due to lack of photos (go here for an explanation of that). But lack of new matches was actually kind of helpful since I've had my hands full...

For the last several weeks, I've been alternating dates with Academy Girl and Boston Writer Girl (a refresher on these women is here), seeing one on a Friday and the other on a Saturday for several successive weekends.

My attraction to Academy Girl has continued to escalate. There is also a nice synchronicity with her, since we have someone in common. Yes, the odds of this in LA are really amazing, but she works with my yoga teacher friend whom I met at Tassajara. In addition to that, while she and I were on a date in the Santa Monica Promenade last week, we went into Barney's Beanery to find two of my really good friends there having dinner and sat down to join them. Everytime Academy Girl would leave the table, my friends were knocking me over with how much they liked her.

Meanwhile, I've still been seeing the Boston Writer. She's excellent at movie analysis after we saw The Upside of Anger and I have no trouble talking to her about my ex-marriage. She's amazingly inciteful and sensitive and funny! She and I would flip from laughing hysterically to being intensely vulnerable, and yet, the original chemistry we had from that first date just hasn't been as intense so I've been ambivalent. And when she made me dinner a few weeks ago, I sensed ambivalence on her part as well.

I should stop a moment and tell you that Annette, my internet friend in the Louisiana bayou ran the "numbers" on both these women. That is, I gave her their exact birthdays and she wrote out a profile for each, matching it to the numbers from my own birthday. Now, this is all pretty nonsensical to me, and yet Annette's totally blind results did pretty well. And she prefaced this by reminding me about the numbers for my ex-wife, who was born on 11/11.

What do you think all those 1's mean?! she said. They mean there's no room in her life for anyone but herself!

Pretty damning testimony.

Anyway, Annette was pretty excited about Boston Writer Girl and said she was a keeper, and almost a perfect match.

She likes to travel, is concerned about others, placing others ahead of herself, well above average intelligence, is probably studious and enjoys reading.

Boston had recently returned from Asia and was schooled in Europe and graduated from Amherst.

She has a terrific personality... she is ruled by her personality and will follow its dictates.

Recall my review that she had an audacious personality. Annette was much more cautious about Academy Girl...

Handle this one with care. Those 2 "7's" make her hypersensitive. You know how sensitive you are.. this one's really bad.

I have yet to have any hypersensitive issues, at least none that trouble me.

Also questionable feelings of self worth. She's ruled COMPLETELY by her heart, loves people and is probably in a profession of service to others ie; legal aid, social work, counseling, possibly nursing.

Well, none of those specific professions...

She cries in sad movies, forms very strong emotional attachments, perhaps too easily, has a strong sex drive and bonds to her partner...don't sleep with this one unless you're ready for a serious commitment.

Oops!!

I also feel she's been raked over the coals and been taken advantage of. Please treat this one gently. The two of you are a lot alike which is probably why you're drawn to her...let me remind you what happened the last time. You need someone to complement you...

Recall that Academy Girl is the one who just got out of a 3 year relationship. And what Annette cautions here is something that really paralyzes me. That ultimately I will be attracted to someone who is completely wrong for me and brushing off someone who is ultimately right.

To Be Continued...

"Stuck With Bush Sr. Everwheres I Go"

2005-04-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

by Bill Clinton, Guest Blogger
It started out pretty simple. President Bush called me to work with his father to promote the US Tsunami Relief effort. So Bush Sr. and I got together and filmed some PSA’s and made a few speeches together. I think people liked seeing us former political adversaries up there getting along and raising money for a truly important cause. Little did I know what I'd signed on for…

The Tsunami Relief Fund wanted to get the two of us out to southeast Asia to tour the devastation. To save money, they put George H.W. and I on the same plane. I gave him the only bed while I slept on the floor of the plane, even though I'd just had heart surgery. Of course George W. made a call and most of the news outlets killed the story (you can google it and see for yourself).

But get this... Bush Sr. and I were touring the awful devastation in this country and people’s homes were all washed away and their lives were destroyed and he says to me, “Bill?” and I says “Yeah?” He says, “Are we sposed to eat anytime soon? Is there a buffet later or something?” And I said, “I really don’t know, George.”

“You think there’s a taco stand or a McDonalds nearby or something?” And then, I swear to God, he picked up a box of saltines out of the rubble and actually looked inside. Luckily there was no crackers in it, ‘cause if George Bush ate a cracker out of the tsunami garbage I would have just fell over right there!

Now, that is not the end of the story of course, cause all the sudden whenever there is a State dinner or something and I'm invited, who do you think they seat me with?

You guessed it! Good God, where is Gerald Ford when you need him?

Then Pope John Paul II died. And on the sad occasion of his funeral, something happened that really rattled me...

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi and I had tentatively made arrangements to go out drinking the night before the funeral. But when I arrived in Rome, Silvio bristled and said he couldn’t go.

So Jacques Chirac says to me the next morning, “Where were ya, Bill? Me, Silv and Cardinal Vascala went bar hopping last night. You missed a good time.” So I went to Silvio and said, “What gives?”

Silvio goes all steely, leans in and says, “It’s not you, Bill. It’s your shadow.” And he points to Bush Sr. who’s walking up at that very second. And Bush is all "Do I have time for a pitstop, if you know what I mean?" Then he gives a wink to Archbishop Antonelli and says, “Hey, good luck in the Pope vote.”

I’m like holy hell, he did not just say that. I mean, John Paul isn’t even in the ground yet and he’s saying something like that.

I mean, that’s just wrong. Don’t you think?

So the funeral starts and we're sitting there in front of the body and it's really just this incredibly reverent, awesome moment of silence and Bush leans over to me and says, waaay too loud, by the way, "It looks like he's sleeping, doesn't it?" And I'm trying to ignore him, you know, but he can't let it go. "Bill?" he says even louder, "Doesn't it look like he's sleeping?"

Let me tell you, I looked up from prayer and just gave him the look from hell. But he starts shakin' his head, "You don't think he's actually sleeping, do you? That would be awful." Bush didn't say a word the rest of the ceremony so maybe he got the message.

Already, he's hinting around at playing golf sometime. No disrespect, but I just want to hide under a blanket for six weeks with the phone off the hook and pray there's not another State funeral to go to. If there is, I swear to God, I'm gonna jump in the hole with whoever's bein' buried. Of course George'd probably just jump in after me. "Is this the way to the receiving line, Bill?"

I mean, come on now! Is it me??

2005-04-10T22:37:00.000-07:00

I've got multiple entries on the way, but none of them completed. Until then, here's the new link...

Iron Hymen in the sister site to Sex is for Fags. These sites are totally un-PC and completely inappropriate.

And funny as hell. More soon.

Your Favorite Mnemonic Device...

2005-04-08T10:15:00.000-07:00

I am constantly mixing up Memorial Day with Labor Day. One begins the summer and the other ends it. Which one is coming up? I find it ironic that one of these holidays has the word “memory” in it.

How embarrassing.

Can someone please give me a mnemonic device? You know, a “Spring forward-Fall back” sort of thing?

This got me to thinking about these mnemonic devices and how useful they are. “30 days has September” -- who doesn't use that??

All the rest have 31, except February; it has 28.

I’m a harsh critic of whoever invented that one, because the end doesn’t rhyme. It’s like they just gave up when it got hard.

To this day, I still remember how to spell the word dessert because I know it’s twice as sweet as desert. The alphabet song is probably the first mnemonic device every child learns. I wonder who invented that. Do they get residuals every time a child sings it?

One of my coworkers just walked in and mentioned "righty-tighty lefty-loosey". Nice job! That is one sweet and meaty mnemonic device!

I can never remember the full version of “March comes in like a lion.” My theory is that the information it’s helping you remember is kind of useless anyway. Mnemonic devices you can’t remember are lamer than lame.

I know there are many more I’m just not thinking of right now. Please help refresh my memory. Ahh, Lizzie Borden took an axe... gave her mother forty whacks. Now that's important!

And please send help with the Memorial/Labor Day thing! I would hate to be attending a union rally when I should be at a war memorial.

Or is that Veterans Day!?

** UPDATE Friend and fellow blogger, Kezia, informs me (and rightfully so) that the one about March coming in like a lion, as well as Lizzie Bordon, are not really mnemonic devices. But Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492 would make the cut. Nice work!

Hedberg Update...

2005-04-05T12:26:00.000-07:00

The Blog of Death has recently included Mitch Hedberg in their archives.

Fresh Link

2005-04-03T12:10:00.000-07:00

I know oh so many people who will love this one. From my beer guzzling frat friends (now mircrobrew afficianados) to a certain crew who loves martinis (uh-huh you know who you are!) Modern Drunkard Magazine is a mine full of comedy gems! My personal favorite is the "Wino Wisdom".

My thanks to Rykk for the discovery... Not since Foster Brooks has drunkeness been so delightfully un-PC!

RIP Mitch Hedberg

2005-03-31T17:55:00.000-08:00

While everyone mourns the very public death of Terri Schiavo and watches the Pope's health carefully, a real comic great has passed, almost unnoticed.

Mitch Hedberg was inventive and very, very funny. He will be missed.

Shot Clock Monument Inadequate

2005-03-29T19:41:00.000-08:00

Those who know me know what an incredible sports fan I am. But the unveiling of the new monument saluting the basketball shot clock just shows how woefully underrepresented sports commemorations really are in our culture.

There are so many other historical innovations in sports that also need to be commemorated. Have we forgotten the very first football halftime show??

Everyone knows that football was invented by the Greeks in 4BC, but did you know that the halftime show was invented in 1895 by Herman Schoebert?

During the Harvard – Yale game of that year, the players broke for halftime and cleared the field. At that moment, two dogs chased each other onto the 50 yard line and began to, well… work it doggy-style. The rambunctious crowd began to point and whistle. Legend has it, a coaches’ assistant rushed to Herman Schoebert, the field manager, and volunteered to turn a hose on the horny hounds. But Schoebert watched the crowd’s reaction, fascinated. “No, no,” he said. “Let’s see the finish!”

One week later, during another game’s halftime, Schoebert shoved his 12 year-old daughter onto the field and commanded her to play the clarinet. Up until this point no one had ever watched a half-time performance. This particular performance was doubly awkward because Schoebert’s daughter had no idea how to play the clarinet.

And though the crowd applauded politely, they all silently longed for the two dogs f***ing to return, as did Schoebert. But from that moment, the football halftime show was born, evolving from vaudeville comedy, to today’s marching band, to the zenith of Janet Jackson’s boob.

What could be a more fitting tribute to footballs halftime tradition than a bronze statue commemorating those pioneering two dogs in a passionate embrace?

NFL... I hope you're listening.

Port-o-Potty Truck Driver Cooked my Goose!

2005-03-26T19:24:00.000-08:00

by Selma Jensen, guest blogger

Well, they’ve finally done it! They finally got rid of old Selma!

For over nine years, I’ve been the crossing guard at Wilson Middle School in Glendale, California, but no more! So if you perverts can stop searching for porn for ten lousy seconds, let me regale you with my latest tale of woe!

They wouldn’t listen to yours truly, that this ten million dollar school renovation would put traffic and the entire neighborhood in one ripe tizzy. It wasn’t enough that I have to protect our nation’s innocents as they cross the street from their own rude parents, now I have to wave off beer-breathing contractors in cement trucks catcalling at nubile bodied thirteen year olds from behind their Raybans! Throw in the Oriental UPS delivery man and the substitute Xerox toner salesman driving his pimp car and you’ve got chaos!

But it was no one from that rogues gallery who did me in, nosiree. It was the Mexican teenage hipster driving the flatbed truck of port-o-potties who ran over my left foot! One trip to the ER and a back-door meeting of shady city reps later and yours truly is sent packing.

That’s right folks, I’m out!

For nine years I’ve been your champion of safety – only to be struck down by a Mexican illegal driving 12 tons of blue urine to a Santa Monica storm drain!

Well, long story short, my Bernstein is calling their Bernstein so we shall see! Meanwhile…

It has come to my attention that in the twelve months since I have guest ~~hosted~~ posted in this forum, not one of you sorry slackers has asked of my whereabouts or my health. You "blog" people are the sorriest, uncaring lot I’ve ever seen, I’ll tell you that!

But while I’m stuck at home and “Harold” is off having online hookers perform Lord knows what, you may have to endure hearing from old Selma now and then. As will those crooks at Wilson Middle School...

The Dating Game...

2005-03-20T19:36:00.000-08:00

Friends keep asking me for an update on my dating adventures. Well, I’m pleased to say that last week I had three different dates with three different women.

Excuse me while I stop and nod smugly to myself -- ‘cause that’s easily the most macho thing I’ve ever said...

Okay, I’m back. Here’s the rundown…

I’ll call Lady #1 Academy Girl . At the end of our first date, I dropped her off and asked, “What do you think?” “Think about what?” she responded. “Think about us?” I think this direct no-games communication startled her. I am realizing my ability to communicate is a major turn-on to the ladies (a 10-year relationship had me trained in that department).

We had sushi on our 2nd date. Academy Girl is sexy. Vulnerable. I’ll see her again this Friday. She just got out of a 3-year relationship so I can’t help but think she’s looking for her rebound guy. A rebound relationship is very important, and I’m glad to fill the role.

Lady #2 was the Choreographer. We met for dinner on 3rd Street Promenade. She's a world-traveler and a feminist. I felt dating a feminist in Los Angeles was a little enigmatic – needless to say, she was interesting.

While walking and chatting, she stopped in the middle of the promenade and did a demonstration of movement analysis for me. This took probably 3 minutes, during which I held her gaze and even asked questions. She might have fallen in love with me at that moment. But when she said she’d seen one episode of Seinfeld and didn’t like it, I knew we were in trouble.

The Choreographer called me on my cel on the way home – and all I could think of was how do I get out of this conversation and remain a gentleman?? She was fascinating, but not for me.

Lady #3 is Boston Writer Girl. Very confident with an audacious personality. Our first date was at a restaurant/bar and we had an amazing chemistry. This was refreshing because I was starting to think I wasn’t capable of that anymore. During our five-hour date, I aired all my dirty laundry and we were already finishing each other’s sentences.

We had our second date last night – not quite as impressive but still worth pursuing. Some girls I work with warned me that women from the east coast will never offer to pay or go dutch. Sure enough, two restaurants and a bar tab and Boston Writer Girl never made a move for the check.

eHarmony has been great for me because I’m terrible at meeting people. And I’ve decided that dating suits me. I think everyone who’s dating should be seeing as many people as possible.

That said, if this entry suddenly disappears, you’ll know one of them has learned I’m a blogger.

2005-03-20T19:24:00.000-08:00

My thanks to my friend Reid for showing me this fresh link, Squishy Pineapple. Not for the kiddies but worth a look!

How are we getting here??

2005-03-14T22:24:00.001-08:00

There are many, many ways that people searching the web arrive here at Cellar Door. I'm not talking about the obvious ones like "cellar door linguist" or folks who type the entire "Darko" quote (yes, some people put in all 32 words!).

I'm talking about the bizarre, crazy searches people do that somehow land them on this very doorstep. Like last year's "Owensboro dirty girls" and "blended margarita".

Here's a look at the new searches in the form of a top ten list. In most cases, I didn't take note of the search engine...

10. "saint malachy"

Remarkable that a search for this fellow could land you here given my mention was brief and over a year ago. More remarkable that I was #919 in this search and that someone waded through 91 google pages and bothered to click on this site. That is some thorough research!

9. "Farley flavor crystals"

Whatever it is, it sounds yummy. Cellar Door was site #9 in this odd search -- and we were often #9 as you'll see below.

8. "see the videos with decapitations on Iraqi"

Whoever worded this search was either a moron, or 12 years old. The odd wording is the only explanation for the fact that Cellar Door was #8 in the list.

7. "rethread a vhs tape"

Whoever did this search was desperate for instructions on how do perform the task. With this site at #2 on the search engine's list, it was a shame that the only thing the searcher got was the story of a botched inflight movie, Hidalgo, and me asking an Aussie woman to say that a dingo ate her baby.

6. "Big red soda" (#25) and "Old Spice Red Zone pictures" (#6)

Guessing the marketing people for both products are quite pleased with the conservative endorsements here for their products! Thank you for your support!

5. "Halloween dryer sheets"

You think the granolas up at Google sit around and marvel at the strange things people search for? This site was #9 in the Halloween dryer sheet department. Maybe I can improve on that by October...

4. "us donation to tsunami"

How pathetic is it that someone could search for such a serious topic and find my lame Dick York/Dick Sargent analogy at #9 in their search??

3. My Name

My real name appears nowhere on this site, and yet a google search brings it right up. Strange but true. And a little scary.

2. "Appleby Certificate real or a hoax"

Cellar Door is #8 in this search because the searcher misspelled Applebee's. Heheh... what a moron! Uh, heeey waaaaait a minute...!

1. "www.cameo.comm" [sic]

And the number 1 search that landed someone here was by using something called Viewpoint. They searched for an actual URL, misspelled it and Cellar Door was THE #1 result.

And there you have it. All searches will eventually drop you here. Let's hope I have something funny to post by then. See you soon!

2005-03-13T11:03:00.000-08:00

There's been quite a drought the last couple of months when it comes to good links. Finally, I'm pleased to see a nice stockpile...

The Alaskan Alpine Club started with just a simple concept: a single water nozzle in the below freezing temeratures. Then, they got creative and the Ice Walls are quite a sight for art and sport!

Check out the links at the bottom of the page to go deeper into the kinds of things they're doing.

Supercool!

...that make you go "hmm"

2005-03-07T08:40:00.000-08:00

I rarely link to other people's blogs, a practice I really need to change. But as a time-waster I found myself following a chain of links back to see just how far it went. First, here is what got my attention:

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

I was compelled to do it, but didn't know the relevance. I know I'm way too analytical, but did this encapsulate the book in some way? If partnered with someone elses' page 123 would they form some coherent code?

I found this via Angel over on Temporary Sanity, who got it from Ian, who got it from Opus, who got it from Texas Biscuit, who does not remember where she got it from but has collected a great deal of acclaim for its spreading.

Oh, and my book passage...

This was disastrously apparent after Iraqi representatives met US Secretary of State James Baker in Geneva on January 9, 1991, in a last minute effort to avert war. Baker clearly warned that the United States would attack Iraq if it did not leave Kuwait. But he said it so calmly that Saddam Hussein's half-brother reported, "The Americans will not attack... they are calm."
From Psychology, by David Myers

Hmm...

2006=End to Global Warming

2005-03-06T14:27:00.000-08:00

Finally!

Someone has a sensible plan to get rid of global warming. Be sure to do your part by checking out World Jump Day. It's the new Link of the Week.

When Animals Attack

2005-03-05T11:05:00.000-08:00

So this story from Bakersfield is grisly and tragic. But is a warning for everyone...

When presenting a birthday cake to your 39 year-old chimp in a wildlife refuge, MAKE SURE YOU'VE BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE!

Dating update...

2005-03-05T11:03:00.000-08:00

My eHarmony meet up went very well. We're going out tonight.

Actually, I had to be an improvement from her last match -- a guy who admitted to only eating four foods.

Adventures in Online Dating

2005-03-02T12:34:00.000-08:00

Last month, I signed up with eHarmony. The constant onslaught of happy couples in their commercials, billboards, and print ads finally got to me and I surrendered.

Their system is fairly unique in that they decide for you who is a compatible match. It's up to the matches to pursue communication with each other, leading up to an eventual meeting -- with the option of shutting the match down at any point.

I find it interesting that some women opt to not display their photos. I asked my friend Nina what motivation a woman would have for not showing pictures of herself and, like me, she decided it was probably not a good sign.

Women with eye patches, for example, are notoriously self-conscious about them and would prefer to reel me in and then reveal the eye patch after I've become emotionally attached.

Remember, these women are my psychological matches and already know me this well!

I know why you don't want to go out with me... it's because I only have one eye, isn't it?! MY GOD you are so shallow!

To combat this, I've configured eHarmony to not reveal my own photos to anyone who doesn't have their own posted. This way, I can shame the ladies into revealing themselves -- and them slap them with a rejection when they do. It's ingenious!

My first ever meet up is finally here and I'm off to a coffee meet tonight with a choreographer.

Note to self: when meeting a date, don't mention blogging.

Forgive Me...

2005-03-01T10:12:00.000-08:00

You are Donnie Darko!!!

What Character From Donnie Darko Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

This was easily the stupidest, lamest of these quizzes I've ever seen. Still, like me, you won't be able to help yourself.

I promise to post something else and move along quickly.

Darko Director's Cut DVD Release

2005-02-25T09:44:00.000-08:00

Greetings Darko fans and "cellar door" searchers...

While in Tahoe, I noticed USA Today did not one, but two stories about the DVD release of the Donnie Darko Director's Cut. I have yet to bite, but it will be a must purchase for future comparison.

I see the extras include commentary by Kevin Smith of "Clerks" and "Chasing Amy" fame. Kinda perplexing, as I have no idea what relevance Smith will bring to the commentary. Missing from the extras is the (superior, I think) original cut with the audio improvements.

My original review for the Director's Cut is here. Though it is must viewing, I stand by my belief that the Director's Cut overexplains way too much. And the music changes are blasphemy for anyone who fell in love with the original.

For those that can't get enough dissection of the movie's plot, I see that salon.com has a summary and analysis here.

Richard Kelly says he's not interested in doing a sequel. As a writer, I can only imagine that such a sequel would feature a teenage Donnie having slipped through time and showing up at Gretchen, or his sister's door. "Frank says... you're in danger."

Meanwhile, those of us in the know are getting our Mary McDonnel fix over on Battlestar Galactica, easily the best series to ever come out of Sci-Fi Channel.

2005-02-20T13:47:00.000-08:00

Yes, this week's link lacks comedy, but its impressive in the scope of its pure uselessness.

Pop vs Soda maps out the controversy, and I can vouch for the findings in Daviess county Kentucky. Whenever offering a soft drink, it was standard to suggest a "coke" even if all you had was Sprite and Dr. Pepper.

Internet-iquette??

2005-02-19T20:51:00.000-08:00

Back from vacation... my first priority tonight was to catch up on a week's worth of internet activities that stacked up. But while reading three-day old emails and trolling my regular sites, I chance-noticed something...

While I was gone, someone at a certain site, removed me from their friends list!

I have no idea why they did this and I'm unfamiliar with the ettiquette for what I should do about it.

Funny... when someone adds you as a friend at these sites it's like the entire web does a jig and pats itself on the back.

Congratulations! User54 has added you as a Friend! May our Lord and Savior bless your friendship with lol's and a multitude of smiling emoticons!

It's the internet equivalent of receiving a bouquet of balloons. It has absolutely no value, but it still makes you smile.

But the site chose not to inform me when my "friend" removed me from their list. Was it just too awkward for them? Not even a simple form email?

Dear Harold -- We're sorry to inform you that User54 has banished you from their friend's list. This was not a mistake, as we asked if they were sure about their decision and they confirmed.

Twice.

We should also mention that User54 didn't do this to anyone else, just you. They quite deliberately scrolled down, found your name and hit delete.

We've also noticed that User54 has lots of friends and you have very few. Perhaps this would be a good time to refrain from finger-pointing and instead take a long look in the mirror and consider what kind of friend you really are.

I've thought of removing this person from my own list as a form of retaliation. But this action is flawed for two reasons. First, it implies that I care (which I do, but I don't want them to know that). And second, it reeks of pettiness (which I'm usually not). But what good is having a friend on your list if they've turned their back on you? It would be living a lie for me to go on with life as usual.

I should also mention that this friend is not even someone I've ever met. We exchanged a handful of quips, then an obligatory message made us friends. You might think this would diminish the impact of being defriended, but it actually does the opposite. I can't make any of the usual me excuses for this -- I know that something I said was not taken well.

What's the protocol here? Should I write this person? Why don't you like me? What did I do? At least if we'd met, you could say I had egg-breath. Or see that I have stupid hair. Instead, it was my callous, careless words. Which ones? Let me know because I probably think they're funny and am running around using them on other people.

I feel my only option is to accidentally delete my entire account at this particular service, start over, add back my other friends, then simply forget to add back this one person. Oh silly me! -- did I miss someone??

That way, instead of appearing neurotic and petty, I can simply appear forgetful and incompetent.

It's actually close enough to the truth that it wouldn't be a lie.

Gone Skiin'

2005-02-11T22:40:00.000-08:00

Off to Tahoe for a week, but updated the new link before I go.

Missing my old Dell

2005-02-06T11:08:00.000-08:00

Anybody out there about to buy a laptop? My advice??

Don't buy a Sony Vaio!!

I spent top dollar for this machine thinking I'd get what I paid for, but have had little quirky troubles with it from the beginning. The touchpad sticks... the left click of the mouse wore out... it once got stuck in Hibernation mode and had to be serviced... now the LCD has gone out.

The only way I can see to type is by illuminating the screen with an intense desk lamp. sigh....

Meanwhile, to stay with the Trek theme, check out What Would Captain Sulu Do? Cycle through some of the previous questions asked of Sulu... some are very funny.

New Star Trek Series Planned

2005-02-04T13:19:00.000-08:00

Fans of the Star Trek franchise are up in arms about the cancellation of Star Trek: Enterprise. But not to worry! Several new Star Trek series are already planned to carry on the Trekkie torch!

Star Trek: Watchtower

The Hook: Though most religions no longer exist in the Trek universe, this new series follows the evangelical adventures of three Jehovah’s Witnesses as they bring the "Watchtower" to starships and colonies across the Federation.

Pilot Cameo: Marina Sirtis reprises her role as Counsellor Troi. In one of the pilot’s most exciting scenes, the empathic Troi senses the approach of our heroes in the turbolift and quickly retreats to her quarters, pretending not to be home as they knock.

Star Trek: Hobos

The Hook: Opting to see the Trek universe from a different perspective, Star Trek: Hobos follows two unshaven vagrant “tramps” as they hitch rides aboard freighters and starships just hoping to “catch a break” elsewhere in the galaxy.

Pilot Cameo: Brent Spiner, reprises his role as Commander Data. In one scene, Data watches curiously as one of our hobos pulls a leather shoe from the food replicator and proceeds to eat it for dinner.

Star Trek: Morning Zoo

The Hook: In an obvious attempt to bring levity to the franchise, a rip in time brings Rob and Tom, two morning DJ’s from the 20th century to the Federation starship Intrepid. When Rob and Tom’s zany drive-time antics bring a smile to the face of a belligerent Cardassian General, a galactic war is averted and the ships captain decides to make the DJ’s permanent members of the crew.

Pilot cameo: Levar Burton reprises his role as Commander Geordi LaForge. Geordi is the 94.5th caller on the comm line, gives the “phrase that pays” and wins $20 gift certificate to Appleby’s restaurants.

Star Trek: Wisconsin Dairy Farmers

The Hook: ST:WDF is an ambitious attempt to return the franchise to an Earth setting. Fed up with food replicators that just can’t get the subtlety of their best cheddar, five unconventional 25th century dairy farmers pull two cows out of a zoo and begin making cheese from scratch!

Pilot cameo: Patrick Stewart, as Captain Jean Luc Picard, cameos in the pilot by beaming down from the Enterprise to compliment our heroes on their exceptional gouda!

Star Trek: CSI

The Hook: We follow this special Federation task force as they investigate Starfleet’s most grisly death scenes. How did a Klingon warrior manage to invert the subspace polarity of the deuterium conduit and turn his captain into tiny crystals?

Pilot Cameo: Reprising his role as Captain Riker, Jonathon Frakes guest stars (briefly) as a starship captain whose head is “beamed away” by a psychotic transporter operator. This is science fiction that will have you holding back vomit!

Be sure to cast your vote for which Trek series you think will be the biggest hit!

Partisan Marketing: Buy Red/Blue

2005-01-30T22:07:00.000-08:00

The dividing of America continues. With many states still defining themselves defiantly as “blue” or “red”, it’s no big surprise that corporate America is now trying to market their products directly to one side or the other.

Take a look at these outlandish schemes to divide our country!

The Blue Man Group – You might think these blue-painted performers are thinking about the amazing stunts for their next show. Nope! They’re dreaming of high taxes, big government, and legalized marijuana! Every dollar spent on these androgynous mutes will go to Michael Moore and the French Government. They'd rather be dead than red!

Red Zone Deodorant – Now you can stay shower fresh all day while simultaneously letting the world know you’re against gay marriage with new Old Spice Red Zone deodorant stick! Why wear Red Zone?… because the Blue Zone stinks! Choose Red Zone… it’s like having Donald Rumsfeld right in your armpit!

Blue Corn chips – What could be more natural than corn chips free of coloring and preservatives?? A woman’s right to choose of course! Blue corn chips tell the guests at your party you demand quality... and the Ten Commandments out of the classroom! Crunch all you want… George Bush sucks!

Big Red Soda – Nothing says I love Nascar like a sugar-filled soda that will turn your lips red and your neck redder! Big Red is more than the official soda for the conservative right, it’s the soda of choice for Jesus himself! “Whoever drinketh of this soda, shall have everlasting… refreshment!”

So there ya have it.

Now wouldn't it be cool if Buy Blue endorsed the Red State Store?

Maybe then we'll all be one America.

2005-01-23T13:40:00.000-08:00

What happens to meat when you leave it out in public? Finally, Stinky Meat has the answers. Yes, folks, we live in the age of science.

Thoughtlets VI: The Perils of Flight 453 to Burbank

2005-01-20T23:58:00.000-08:00

Sunset on flight 453

Every now and then, there's not enough to fill a whole blog entry -- just half-thoughts and observations

- Yet again, my boarding pass had some sort of secret symbol, so I got my usual pat-down, spin-around, and wand-waving. I think they should make the boarding pass a “scratcher”. Uh-huh, match any three caliber of weapons and you win the Homeland Security dental exam.

- In the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport, there’s a sign that reads “Family Toilet” accompanied by generic stick figures of a child, mother, and father. I had to laugh, and wonder if the toilets in this room have the same evolution: a tiny child “pottie”, a dainty lady-like commode, then a manly industrial poop pipe.

- When the flight attendant announces: “We’d like to extend a special welcome to our Advantage and Advantage Gold passengers,” I like to cheer and applaud wildly from the back of the plane. It’s like she’s doing a shout-out just for me!

- I was disappointed to learn that membership in the Mile High Club has nothing to do with taking a dump at 30,000 feet. Guess I’m not a member afterall.

- If the little black box is made to survive a plane crash, why not design the whole plane out of it?

- I think that before the captain comes on the speaker, he should blow one of those Navy whistles. It could be an American Airlines trademark, and the flight attendants would know to pause the “Two and a Half Men” reruns so the captain can speak.

- Maybe the “Family Toilet” has several commodes in a circle – you know, a kind of toilet-in-the-round.

- Bernie Birmingham sez: Don’t try to bring your weed on the plane!

Bernie Says... "Welcome to Birmingham!"

2005-01-18T21:14:00.000-08:00

So for work, we're in Birmingham, Alabama.

We happen to notice a prominent statue on the hill but can't quite make it out. The statue features a pointy part -- something raised and it's the real crux to the mystery. Over the course of the day, we've all created our own theories.

From the highway 280 interchange, I thought it looked like a man giving a German "heil". See, he's marching a goosestep and has raised his left forearm. The more I described it as such, the more convincing it got.

"Heil Alabama!" it's called. Yes, yes, it's quite un-PC and very controversial. Birmingham'ans are always bitching about the terrible Nazi statue that overlooks their town. They sigh and write letters to the editor, but Alabama is doggedly stubborn and has a very low Jewish population. And then there's a shooting, or Auburn has a football game and people get distracted and forget until the next time.

My theory is quashed in favor of another. No, no, the statue is of Daniel Boone. Wearing his trademark coonskin cap, the pointy part is not an arm, but the long barrel of his rifle, raised to defend Alabama from the vicious "redcoats" during the Revolutionary War.

Boone symbolizes the pioneer spirit of the Yankees who swept in and settled Birmingham -- seizing these lands from the French who baked bagettes and ruled with snobbery from here to Louisiana. It now seems quite obvious to me that the "pointy" is a rifle barrel. How could I have thought otherwise??

Finally, both theories are rejected in favor of a real one. The statue is of "Bernie Birmingham." He's the town mascot and, lemme tell ya, a pretty hip character!

His arm points skyward in a cool "Saturday Night Fever"-like dance pose. Built in the 80's for the "Birmingham Says No to Drugs" campaign, "Bernie's" likeness can now be seen on highway signs and local cable access channels with slogans such as: Bernie says: Buckle up Birmingham! and more recently, Bernie says: Don't forget to vote Republican!

Tonight, I returned to the hotel and googled "Birmingham statue" to find the truth. Turns out, none of us were right. The mystery statue is that of Vulcan!

Well, I completely fell out of my chair. Apparently, no one can drive a wedge between this town and its love of Star Trek! You go, Birmingham!

Perhaps the lesson from this tale is that culture doesn't have to be of this world. A town as rich in history as Birmingham can move past the French occupation, its dislike of the Jews and it's "McGruff the Crime Dog" style mascot -- to really embrace a more universal future.

To do otherwise would be... "illogical."

New Link

2005-01-16T21:11:00.000-08:00

This week's hilarious link is called Ready.gov Kids Korner.

But don't type in "Ready.gov." That will take you to the real Office of Homeland Security... which I tried and is not funny at all!

Invisible Monkeys Doing Morse Code

2005-01-12T22:34:00.000-08:00

In 2002, I stopped believing in the "meant to be."

I guess that means I gave up on "fate". Geez, might as well toss in divine interventions, karma, prayers, and other stuff of the non-chaos kind.

I have become comfortably at ease knowing life is a splattering of random events -- a white noise static of bleeps, dots and dashes which we navigate on a whim until either chaos or time snuffs us out. But every now and then...

Do you ever notice a pattern in the static??

Someone says something here, that relates to what just happened there -- which gets repeated by a stranger the next day, who sends you to visit this guy, which leads you to call a friend, whom you know you helped with your call, and you're not even making any of it happen, you're just living your life, but it goes on and on...

Well, since New Year Eve, this has been happening to me. Unbelieveable irony, concentric circles of happenstance, and poignant life narrative. I'm almost reluctant to mention it, as if looking it in the eye would make it disappear. But that would imply that I believe in some sort of superstition, which I don't (see above first 3 sentences).

But maybe instead I believe that there are invisible monkeys running around all of us with little monkey telegraph machines, trying to send us messages in their own monkey way. It's sort of like the monkeys with typewriters eventually writing Shakespeare, but that's just silly -- and I'm throwing out the Shakespeare part because that just isn't the right metaphor.

Every now and then, the cacaphony of dots and dashes become coherent and the monkeys get through to us. And they don't feel invisible anymore. It's fascinating. But when I typically try to dissect the monkey message, I am left perplexed and empty. But this time...

Rather than search the message for meaning, I'll just be content that the monkeys are there. And that, this time, I'm actually doing some tap, tap, tapping myself.

US Determined to Win Tsunami Donation Competition

2005-01-06T22:15:00.000-08:00

I'm just waiting on the soundbite...

"When it comes to donating, we will prevail."

Is it just me, or has humanitarian aid entered the spin zone? There have been massive humanitarian disasters before, but I don't remember it ever having the same flavor as what we've seen from our government this time. It's almost as if there's been a flurry of meetings in the war room.

Gentlemen, the Japanese are kicking our assess with cash donations, what are we going to do?
Let's send over some aircraft carriers!

Yeah! Japan's not allowed to have those!

Ooh! Let's send Jeb Bush to Sri Lanka!

I know, let's wheel out Clinton and George H.W. Bush!

Do I smell Karl Rove??

Maybe I'm being too political, but doesn't this whole thing seem kind of pedantic? Why enlist two former presidents to get Americans to donate?

Did Dick Sargent call up Dick York for acting tips? Did Sammy Hagar call David Lee Roth to help promote Van Halen's new album??

There are lots of other things the President could do to get help. Why not do a live address to the nation from the Oval Office and appeal to all Americans to give? Or call up the California Governor and ask him to get on TV. "Crisis tuhminated".

I have no doubt that Americans are digging deep to help out. But hopefully we'll all remember that it's our giving reputation at stake this time. There are other formidable global givers out there hot on our tails. And being number two is very un-American.

Unconventional New Years Eve

2005-01-02T13:20:00.000-08:00

Ah, New Year’s Eve! Eating and drinking with friends… the countdown to midnight… and of course the two hours of silence as you stare at a wall!

Well, that’s the way I rang in the New Year by going to the Green Gulch Zen Center outside of San Francisco. My friend Rig, the LA yoga teacher, was going and had encouraged me to check it out. I had never been to Green Gulch and wish I could have arrived earlier so I could have seen the place before dark. But I got there in time for dinner and was pleased to see some familiar faces from Tassajara, where I go every summer.

Events began with our first “sit” (meditation) in the zendo at about 8pm. For about 90 minutes, I sat with everyone else, staring at the wall watching thoughts go by. Of course I hadn’t meditated for some time, so I did more than watch the thoughts, I participated with them and rode the typical surf of my mind at play: fantasizing about the future and rehashing the past.

At 9:30, we gathered candles and put them in paper boats to set them afloat on the pond while reciting a chant.

Eyes of compassion
observing sentient beings
assemble an ocean of blessings
beyond measure

Unfortunately, the wind and pouring rain proved too much for the tiny flames and after five relightings of my own candle, we were called to the dining hall and abandoned the endeavor. A scant few candles lit up the pond.

In the dining hall, we were served soup with noodles. This was a silent meal and there wasn’t enough seats for everyone so I ate quickly then got up to make room for others. I went outside with Rig to see the sky completely clear and full of stars. The rain was gone!

At 10:30pm, we returned to the zendo and continued meditation. This time I was more disciplined. Relax. Observe. Be. And then at midnight, as my friend Rig rang the bell 108 times…

All my ancient, twisted karma,
From beginningless greed, hate, and delusion.
Born through body, speech and mind,
I now fully avow

We then proceeded to a bonfire where Rig had sneaked in a bottle of champagne. Everyone burned resolutions and cxchanged well-wishes before retiring to bed. (It pays to know people… while all the other guests were crowded in the zendo, I got my own private room!)

After morning meditation, we were led by Zen Center leaders, including Reb Anderson, in a procession to bow at all the altars on the farm. Reb lead us all in a toast of sake, which I wish I could recite here, but I will leave it with: “May all beings be happy…”

This photo is of Fu, Joan, Rig, and me after the toast. I wish I had gotten more pictures, but was afraid photos would be too obtrusive during events.

It was a wonderful way to usher in 2005, which I’m hopeful is going to be a great year for all us humans!

Christmas in Kentucky

2004-12-24T00:32:00.000-08:00

Christmas in Kentucky
Posted by: codos.

What a welcome! Nearly two feet of snow and I've still got lots of Christmas shopping to do.

Loving it!

From the Headlines...

2004-12-17T22:05:00.000-08:00

FDA Defends Approval of Poison

After weeks of criticism and charges that the federal agency is “broken”, the Food and Drug Administration came under attack again today for acknowledging its approval of Poison as a pharmaceutical.

“In our studies, takers of poison suffered many side-effects, ending in either permanent neurological disorder, coma, or death,” an FDA staffer reported. “These kinds of consistencies are promising. We stand by our approval of poison and feel its manufacturers have produced a product that does exactly what it claims.”

Consumer groups, including the American Medical Association have called the approval “outrageous and irresponsible” and are petitioning Congress to reverse the poison approval. -More-

Thoughtlets V: Electric Boogaloo!

2004-12-14T23:18:00.000-08:00

Every now and then, there's not enough to fill a whole blog entry -- just half-thoughts and observations.

- I had ordered a John Kerry T-shirt back in October. Today it arrived at work and I put it on. A guy came up to me at the Yard House and said it was the coolest shirt ever and that I should wear it everyday. I agree!

- Today I went to BodyWorlds for our scout (see December 8 entry). I wasn’t too creeped out, but thought it would be appropriate if they put a barf bucket at every exhibit. Oh, and I was wrong about LA being the only city that would take it, apparently it’s headed to Chicago.

- Not only did one of my fav 90’s groups, The Ocean Blue, come out with a new album, I completely missed their concerts at the Troubadour in October. Damn, I gotta be more on the ball!

- I deleted the Tag Board from the blog the other day. Maybe this means I’ve grown up. Maybe this means people will be forced to post comments in that special place that says “Comments.” Then again, maybe no one will ever comment again….

- My roomy convinced me to watch EarthSea last night on Sci-fi Channel. Uch… I gave it 40 minutes and had to turn it off. And the lead guy looked too much like Danny Masterson from "That 70's Show." Dude, where's my bong!? And where are the “Angel” and “Buffy” reruns?

- I must apologize for this weeks’ Link of the Week. Looks like Bernd now has till Easter before he’s given the axe. Totally cheating. The rabbit man is a chicken! In fact, I’m bringing in a second-string Link of the Week right now…

- Wait... you don’t think the aforementioned guy at the Yard House was pullin’ my chain about the John Kerry shirt, do you?

A Los Angeles Christmas

2004-12-13T19:27:00.000-08:00

So last night I went to a Christmas party hosted by my manager, John.

(I should mention that John has never gotten me any work. Then again, I haven't written anything new since he signed me either. By not dumping me, he entertains my fantasy that I'm still in the TV business)

I wore black pants and red turtleneck sweater to the party. What was I thinking? One of the guests was wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jersey. And one guy was even wearing shorts.

Merry Christmas! God, I love this town!

We mostly stood around the chips and cocktail sauce talking about football.

Then one of my manager's new clients entered. So blonde and 20-something, he looked like he'd just fallen off a billboard for the WB. It was then explained that he'd been in Los Angeles only two months but had just gotten cast in a supporting role in a new Jake Gyllenhaal film.

Merry Christmas! God, I hate this town!

18 Days, 9 Hours, 44 Minutes...

2004-12-12T14:08:00.000-08:00

No, it's not another Tangental Universe collapse, it's the countdown to Save Bernd!

Send some Euros to this guy's account or Bernd will be his New Year's Eve dinner!

Everyone is Talking About It

2004-12-08T22:01:00.000-08:00

The Psychology consultant where I work mentioned it over a month ago. Then, someone started talking about it after a meditation group. It came up again at the Thanksgiving party I attended.

Every time I hear about it, I am both squeamish and intrigued...

I'm talking, of course, about the BodyWorlds exhibit at the Science Center in downtown Los Angeles. It's got the whole city abuzz.

BodyWorlds is an exhibit of human corpses, stripped of flesh, and in various degrees of dissection. Some are skeletal, others are nothing but veins, but all have been plasticated--encased in plastic and put on display for science. It is, of course, a controversial display. I heard that LA was the only city in the United States that would take it.

We're hoping to get some footage of the brain and central nervous system displays for our documentary series, so I've secured a pass for myself, my boss, and the director of photography for next Tuesday. Meanwhile, the BodyWorlds presskit arrived today and included a DVD, so I grabbed an intrigued coworker and sat down to take a look.

Together, we watched the German ~~scientists~~ artists plasticate a man, then use a saw to cut him down the middle to create an inch thick cross-section of the corpse from head to toe(s). The result was a life-sized, human-shaped doormat.

With intestines.

The DVD also included lots of footage of people attending the exhibit and studying the displays. Displays such as a man, tendons and muscles flexing, holding up an entire "coat" of his own flesh. And a nude, plasticated man atop a (nude) plasticated horse. I was surprised that all these tourists appeared so open and interested in the displays. I don't think the cringe ever left my face for the entire video.

I thought it was also disturbing that these plasticated men were all "hung" better than me. These dead guys were hung like dead horses!

And don't get me started on the dead horses!

I'm insecure enough in the lockeroom, can't I go to a science museum and look at dead plasticated corpses without feeling inferior?

Hopefully I'll get my own pictures on Tuesday, then we'll return with crew in January. The display heads off to Japan by February.

Eurobad '74

2004-12-05T21:33:00.000-08:00

I may not be the most frequent blogger as I'd like, but I'm pretty proud to say that, rain or shine, I'll have a new Link of the Week up every Sunday.

This weeks is a real gem. Eurobad '74 presents the worst European interior design from the year 1974. I didn't think the first couple were that awful, but keep clicking cause they just get ~~better and better~~ worse and worse!

People often ask me, "Codos, where do you find such funny slash unusual weblinks?"

"Oh, different places," I'll say sheepishly.

Then they get very serious and don't want to drop it. "No, really. Where do you find them?"

The answer is: I'm not telling!

Neener neener, poo-poo pa doo!

Slow News Week

2004-11-28T14:16:00.000-08:00

When there's a holiday weekend, we often forget that people in every industry are on vacation. That includes the news people. I envisioned all the reporters and copy editors at home enjoying turkey leftovers as I noted some unusual headlines on my Yahoo homepage the last few days.

Today, for example, Yahoo decided that Martha Stewart is Popular in Prison Mess Hallwas a worthy top story. Someone at AP apparently interviewed a Roman Catholic nun who's doing time with Stewart and she reports that the inmates are all abuzz for the chance to sit with Martha.

The most remarkable thing about the story is that Martha is doing time with a 57 year-old nun. I guess I had envisioned Martha using cigarettes as money and getting in knife-fights in the weight room, so I'm a little disappointed.

Yahoo decided that France was a popular news item this week. I was first dazzled by the headline French Cheese Voted Smelliest, and then noticed Court Rules French Film Not French Enough.

I can't help but wonder if there are some really great news stories going unreported in the last four days. Or are the newsmakers making turkey sandwiches too?

Geeks Still Run the Net (God love 'em!)

2004-11-21T09:20:00.000-08:00

My latest search for new links reminded me that the geeks out there are still running the internet. This extensive examination of Darth Vader's injuries is proof positive that a good nerd can get to the bottom of anything.

Meanwhile, it's the cats that remain a favorite topic on the web. Live Nude Cats does a pretty decent job of spoofing porn and giving us all a cat fix. There are also links to cat blogs which are worth checking out.

(I'm feeling great again, thanks for the well-wishes!)

From the Headlines...

2004-11-19T17:41:00.000-08:00

Slump Threatens Terror Website

After four months of record-breaking internet traffic, the “Islamic Death Jihad” website has recently seen a steady decline in hits. The site has been both a recruiting tool for terror and the mouthpiece for the “Iraqi Jihad” insurgent movement.

For IDJ’s webmaster, Fazul Al-Din, the decrease in traffic has taken a personal toll.

“Every day it gets more difficult,” says Fazul. “I weep and pray to Allah as I check with Sitemeter and see the paltry count of hits. Gone are the days when the videos of our horrific beheadings lit up the web like the great lantern of God.”

Videos of decapitations just a few months ago were glory days for the website which was forced to change its ISP when the traffic reached 50,000 hits a day.

“Those were good times,” says Fazul. “Sarim and Mohammed came running in from Mosul stinking of gunpowder and goat’s milk, and when I showed them the site counter, they lifted me on their shoulders. ‘God is great and so is Fazul!’ they shouted!”

Fazul blames the site’s decline on the market saturation of video executions as well as the proliferation of pirated beheading videos.

“Our last beheading was for sale in a Baghdad gas station just one day after we posted it. That is crazy. People are crooks, I tell you.”

The members of Iraqi Jihad have considered radical ideas for luring web surfers back to their beheadings, to no avail. “Mohammed suggested we get a bigger knife,” says Fazul. “Sarim wanted to dress as Marie Antoinette, which made no sense. The idea was confusing and completely out of context. I can’t believe Sarim actually suggested it. I’m embarrassed just repeating it. The point is, beheadings just aren’t shocking anymore.”

“Now they come to me with empty hearts. ‘Fazul, we have had a hard day of kidnapping and murdering Iraqi innocents,’ they say. ‘How are the hits? Are they using the new comments system?’ they ask me. ‘Do the people shower us with praise for our glorious killings?’”

Remarkably, the site had only received one new comment that day, which was simply “U suxxors” left by a username 1yummy69.

High profile sponsors such as Abu Cola, Burkas-4-Less, and Expedia.com have all pulled ads from the site since web traffic declined.

As for finding new sponsors, Fazul says he’s down but not out.

“Allah be praised, the internet is constantly evolving!” he says. “Amazon.com has a wonderful Associates Program, and I am reading really good things about Google Ad Sense.”

Truly Weird at Yale University...

2004-11-18T14:35:00.000-08:00

As part of our Psychology/Ivy League tour, we were at Princeton the other day, Yale today and yesterday, and we'll be at Harvard tomorrow.

The oddest thing happened today at Yale...

We were moving quickly down the street, looking for one of the Psychology buildings when a young student passed me.

"Hi, Cody" she said, briefly making eyecontact.

We passed quickly and I turned back to look at her. She kept on going. I was stunned for moment. Was that someone I knew?

"That girl called me by name!"

"I heard her say hi," my boss said. "Did you know her?"

"That was weird!" By that time, she was long gone in the hectic morning street crowd.

My mind was racing. I had never set foot in Connecticut, much less knew anyone affiliated currently with Yale. I highly doubt that of the paltry twenty hits I get here a day that a stranger could actually recognize me from a photo.

Very odd.

What if... This is my Life Now??

2004-11-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

I opened my eyes this morning with a swirly queasy sensation, like waking completely sober after a night of mixing drugs and alcohol. I felt odd, but for an instant could not recall why. The only thing I mixed was Tylenol Nighttime Flu and something called azithromycin.

I have been ~~sick~~ deathly ill ever since my trip to Chicago. What started as a little postnasal drip has become an I-can’t-get-out-of-bed marathon. The two straight weekends I’ve spent in bed include the Veterans Day holiday and a sick day from work. Tons of chicken soup, vitamin C and an attempt at amoxicillin later, I still can’t buck this bug.

Friday night was the worst. I had the kind of chills that get even atheists praying. “Please just get me through this!”

Bundled in bed, enduring wave after wave of freezing shivers that would not give up, I did manage to rise from bed to gather the phone and unbolt the front door for the paramedics, whom I might have to call. I don’t think paramedics beat down doors. They call the Fire Department for that, which is yet one more siren pulling up in my neighborhood at this ungodly hour. Yes, yes, far better to lumber on foot and knee to the door now than have the building owner over here studying the broken door as she rubs her chin. “Hmm, you weren’t conscious to get the door for them? Whose fault is that?”

I nearly passed out from that trip to the door and back to the bed. And though I didn’t call the paramedics, I risked the late hour and called a friend who lived about ten miles away (that’s close in LA) just so someone could know what was happening and could take down my dying words if this really was the end.

But I had no regrets in my final hours. No, it was that doctor who saw me on Friday who would regret.

She saw me with a smile, dutifully weighed me in at 195, took my blood pressure, noted my 99.3 temperature and proceeded to tell me I didn’t have pneumonia. “You’ve got a nasty sinus infection,” she said. “Take this azithromycin. These three pills are the same as ten days of antibiotics. Any questions?”

“Do I really weigh 195?” I asked. “Has that thing been calibrated?”

This can’t be just another sinus infection. What if I have some forgotten disease doctors can no longer recognize? What if I have a freaky-rare foreign infection that a smile, a pat on the head and a free sample of Flonase won’t cure? What if, after my autopsy, Dr. Anna Wilson of the Toluca Lake MPTF clinic (naming her for the record) has to be called in before some judiciary panel?

“Did you honestly think this was a sinus infection?… Why didn’t you catch this before countless lives were lost?… Did he look 195?”

So as I lay here sick (not shivering and screaming for mercy at this moment), I realize that death is not the ultimate fear. When you’re bad sick (really baddy-bad sick), you know death would be the sweet release.

Life is the real fear. What if my life is just like this now? What if the rest of my life is just trying to get to the bathroom and back without passing out? What if my dinner choices will forever be Progresso Chicken with Rice, Chicken with Barley, or Herb Seasoned Chicken with Dumplings?

And what happens when I run out of them???

2004-11-14T10:20:00.000-08:00

How about we head downtown and catch a band? Let's see, "Moist Fist" is opening for "Halo of Flies" and I hear "Mr. Hollands Anus" rocks!

Be sure to check out other Funny Band Names. It's the weekest link!

2004-11-07T01:34:00.000-08:00

Apparently the results of the Presidential Election have a lot of people looking for a kinder, gentler place to live. Word has it that hits to the Canadian immigration website have spiked sharply with people looking to learn aboot moving to the Great White North.

The above Yahoo story also lead me to the spoof site, Marry an American, which has those hosers luring disillusioned liberals northward.

Mmm, I smell a fresh Link of the Week!