The Best Things in Life Are...

About this time last year, I went to check the mail and got a surprise. It was an envelope. Padded. Some rectangular item swathed in bubble wrap had me tantalized. I sat eagerly to open it, but was already talking myself down from the high. It was probably some lame promotion.

Dryer sheets maybe. Hey, free dryer sheets, nothin’ shabby about that. And bubble wrap. A great toy unto itself. I opened the envelope, to find that I had been given something much, much better. I had my own personal copy of Minority Report, on DVD.

I couldn’t believe it! This was the happiest day I’d had all year! (I liked the movie, but that statement says how much 2002 totally sucked for me).

But this was only the beginning. It wasn’t long after this that I received The Hours, Antoine Fisher, About a Boy, and Road to Perdition all on DVD. Free. Right to my door. No, I am not a member of the voting Academy, but I am a member of the Writers Guild of America. And because of that, someone had green lighted an early Christmas.

As a member of the WGA, I pay them hundreds of dollars. In return, I get nothing but a magazine. This includes the years I don’t make jack, like last year (see aforementioned 2002 suckiness). High time I got something for my money.

And now, here we are a year later and Hollywood is all a twitter with the fact that the Motion Picture Association of America has banned sending out screener DVD’s.

I say to you, America... IT’S NOT FAIR!!!

No matter what your job is, you have perks, right? Freebies. Gimmies. Something that, due to your hard work and privileged access, you’ve got coming to you. What would yours be??

When I worked as a janitor for Texas Gas in Owensboro Kentucky, it was toilet paper. If a roll of tp was half gone, it had to be replaced. Couldn’t have some account exec waddling out of his stall mid-project and having to loot the next one over. No sir. I’d be fired if that happened. Full rolls of tp for all stalls! Those half and quarter rolls went into a hefty bag (another freebie) and into my trunk.

The humiliation and ridicule I suffered from cleaning toilets all summer was repaid to me in Charmin. Whether I chose to be fully stocked for nine months, or blow the entire bag in one Halloween prank, my bag of toilet paper booty was mine. It was, in fact, my God-given right!

As a Writer’s Assistant on various TV productions, you rarely have warning when your show is cancelled. And when your show is robbed of its dignity by the network, you are sent home immediately, and there is only one form of compensation available: raiding the show’s kitchen.

At one particular production, I was negligent and didn’t get to the kitchen fast enough. Some PA had already backed his car right up to the kitchen door and filled his trunk with 9 cartons of Pepsi and Dr. Pepper, 1 palette of Cup O’ Noodles, the entire pantry of Emer’Gen C, 6 Valu-paks of Trident Gum, a Valu-pak of Pringles, a box of Oreo Ice Cream Sandwiches, and a giant jar of malted milkballs. The PA sped away without bidding goodbye to anyone on the staff (in fairness to him, it was a hot day and the timer on the ice cream bars was ticking). My only satisfaction to his greediness was knowing that the jar of malted milkballs (normally gold medal booty) had been left open over a holiday weekend in a room next to an unscreened window where it had been heated and cooled a good three times.

Having come late to the looting, I had no recourse but to stuff a backpack with Atomic Fireballs, 4 multi-packs of Werther’s toffees and a jumbo pack of Extra Sugarfree Gum (the show was debating the merits of Extra vs. Trident and had yet to come to a conclusion when we were cancelled). The little orange peanut butter crackers were my gift to the next looter (or joke on him, depending on your perspective).

Faced with an uncertain employment future, at least I had the satisfaction of knowing that I had over 400 pieces of candy, which would later be stuffed in a drawer of batteries, expired coupons and old keys. (By the way, Extra Sugarfree Gum contains Nutrasweet, which apparently has a limited shelf life. When said gum expires, it dissolves into a strange putty. It’s tasty for about five seconds, but then the texture becomes unbearable.)

Wait a minute... where was I?

Oh yes...

Don’t the guys at the slaughterhouse get free hamburger? Don’t the folks at Bic take home free pens? Don’t the men working at steel mills periodically fill their car trunks with railroad ties? Well... you get the point.

The critics charge that the MPAA ban on screeners will leave independent films ignored by the movie awards. Who are they kidding? The critics and Academy members are just like me. They are accustomed to their free stuff and don’t want it go away.

Guess I’ll have to wait till Christmas to get any gifts this year. Let’s just hope the MPAA doesn’t start meddling with that too.