My Blacklist!!

For those of you that haven't heard, the National Rifle Association has a 19-page Blacklist.

Message to all their critics, THEY ARE FIGHTING BACK!!

They're a smart bunch over there and have been quietly taking notes on all those fascists who would try to take away OUR gun rights! (Like Bonnie Raitt, and the PTA) They are taking a stand against radical institutions that are outspoken against them! (i.e. the St. Louis Cardinals and the National Black Nurses Association) They are taking aim at powerful figures in the anti-gun lobby! (like Mary Lou Retton, the YWCA, and Marla Maples)

Inspired by their courage, I've decided to make public a Blacklist of my own. Throughout my life, I have been done wrong. What could be more appropriate than THIS FORUM to spread the word of their crimes against me?? Let's get started...

Mrs. McDivitt - My first grade teacher at Longfellow Elementary used to torment me in reading. I specifically remember this when she wanted me to read the word "T-shirt". I tried to sound it out, but struggled on and on, not knowing what to do since there was no vowel between the T and the S. She just grinned mockingly at me. My mother was outraged at the tale.

Mrs. McDivitt, I'm sure you're long since dead, but I have not forgotten your sadism!

Paul Bailey - This guy picked on me every morning in Middle School. I think he was troubled, but so was I, and I didn't have the self-esteem to stick up for myself. I stopped sitting with my friends and hid from him.

Paul, you probably forgot this even happened. But I didn't. I've been waiting for the day I could reveal your viciousness. Enjoy the wrath of public scorn!

France - Yeah, the whole country. Aside from any feelings I've had about the war, you French people didn't disappoint and came out in true obnoxious form. Your trade dealings with Iraq were underhanded and duplicitous.

Yeah? Come and get me. You don't have the guts!

Miriam Davis - This is my ex wive's therapist. Oh, don't get me started! This woman threw gasoline on a fire by pressing her own agenda.

Ms. Davis, Sears called, they're recalling your therapist's license!

Jeff Probst - Nice going, Jeff. Thanks to you, myself and tons of TV writers are out of work and struggling while you make people eat bugs on national TV. You've single-handedly crushed the economy in a 6 mile radius around Radford Studios.

Jeff, in addition to you, I'm adding both your dimples to my Blacklist. The tribe has spoken, it's time for all three of you to go!

My Downstairs Neighbor, Liz - This woman hit my car and wasn't going to tell me. Nope, instead she looked at the damage and then parked around front to distance herself from my car. When confronted, she acted as if I was inconveniencing HER.

Liz, I was always so nice to you. Never again. When I'm done typing, I'm going to pace the hardwood floor in my heaviest boots!

Chevy Chase - I hear he's mean. He hasn't been funny since "Fletch." If he had had humility and been earnest, he could have had a comeback like Eddie Murphy.

Chevy, I wanted to see your talk show a few years ago, but I was sick that day!


And there you have it. Now the world knows. Don't cross me. You'll regret it. You'll be on the list and I'll be all over you like grease on a pizza. You'd best watch yourself!!

[Folks, this was of course all in fun! ... No, seriously, you have been warned!]