From the Headlines...

Dean Denies 'Eye Roll' at Gore Endorsement

Howard Dean's campaign for the Presidency received a hefty boost on Tuesday from the endorsement of former Vice President Al Gore. Representatives of the Dean campaign deny the endorsement was accepted with any degree of sarcasm, despite some reports that Dean 'rolled his eyes' while thanking Gore.

"On behalf of myself, and everyone in this campaign," said Dean at the Democratic rally in Harlem, "Mr. Gore, we are truly grateful for your leadership and your endorsement." It was at that moment many spectators report that Dean rolled his eyes, as if to indicate some degree of annoyance. Spokesmen for the Dean campaign say any allegations of insincerity are ludicrous.

"Howard Dean has the utmost respect for Mr. Gore," said a representative of the Dean campaign. "We're quite sincere when we say we're so, so, so, soooooooo grateful to have Gore's backing. Really."

Gore's endorsement of Dean sparked a variety of reactions from the other Democratic candidates. When asked to comment, Representative Dick Gephardt issued a written statement from his Missouri campaign headquarters stating: "We're just so heartbroken we couldn't get Gore's support." The statement went on to characterize the snub as "really, just a gosh darn shame."

The number two ranked Democratic candidate, General Wesley Clark, expressed his dismay at the Gore decision in a press conference, saying, "...yeah, we're all broken up about it over here." Then seemingly dizzy, Clark placed his hand to his forehead and swooned, "Oh, how will we ever summon the courage to go on?!"

Clark then immediately appeared fine and continued to discuss his tax policy with the news media.

Presidential hopeful Sen. John Kerry seemed unusually despondent at the news while campaigning in Iowa this morning. "I am deeply, deeply saddened Mr. Gore chose Howard Dean instead of me." Kerry then erupted into two rapid-fire sneezes.

A spokesperson for Kerry later denied the Senator's sneezes masked any expletives, citing Kerry's 'allergies.'

Senator Joe Lieberman, Gore's vice-presidential running mate in 2000, downplayed the brush-off of the Dean endorsement. "Despite his endorsement of Dean, Al Gore and I will always be good friends and colleagues," said Lieberman, who then made a subtle shaking motion with his hand near his abdomen. When queried by reporters about the hand gesture, Lieberman seemed perplexed. "What's wha??" he responded.

Sensitive to any signs of a fracture in the Democratic party, Dean campaign manager, Joe Trippi finally called a news conference to quell rumors of the alleged eye roll. "Any signals of insincerity from Howard Dean were completely imagined," Trippi said somewhat languidly. "But seriously, we are utterly, totally, absolutely completely flattered by the support of Mr. Gore, who as you know, wields just an awesome influence within the Democratic party."

At that, Trippi gagged, grabbed his throat dramatically as if choking, went limp and collapsed on the podium in a heap. Reporters remained several minutes, then assumed the press conference was over.