Excuse Me While I Ruin the Movie...

There’s nothing better than going to a movie and getting completely engrossed in the story. What better way to leave your cares behind than by entering the fantasy world of the big screen? Especially when that fantasy world involves wizards, Rangers, Hobbits and epic battles! Luckily I was able to do just that while going to see Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. What a spectacle!

To me, the most fascinating character was the mighty wizard Gandalf. So regal, mysterious and full of surprises! One can only wonder at his reasons for using his power so sparingly. People of our universe couldn’t begin to entertain the logic of these heroes. I loved when Gandalf galloped out on his horse and used his magical staff to project the light that scared away the flying lizards... but I couldn’t help but wonder why he didn’t use it again when they returned to the fortress and were snatching and crushing the good guys in their mighty claws. The scary-frighty light would have been quite handy at that time.

I’m certain that others wondered this as well. It was likely a question on the minds of so many extras— I mean soldiers as their city was under the fierce volley from the orcs’ catapults. I can’t help but think that one of them turned to Gandalf at that moment.

“Sir,” perhaps he said, “You are indeed a powerful wizard. Might this be a good time to cast a giant fireball and blast the approaching enemy catapults to dust and cinder?”

The line was likely cut in the director’s valiant efforts to keep the movie under five hours. “Might I suggest a magical tornado that will scatter the battering ram like an Alabama trailer park?” Gandalf probably combed his beard, or tied his shoe, pretending not to hear. More likely he was lost in thought, regretting the order to leave the Treants, those sturdy living tree creatures, back at the tower where Christopher Lee was hiding out. Perhaps just two or four tree guys could have guarded Count Dooku— I mean Saruman, while the bulk of the tree army would have been quite useful in this battle. But hey... hindsight!

Similarly, Gandalf’s timing when he summoned the giant eagles was also puzzling. I’m sure the soldiers gave their appearance a great round of applause... only wishing they’d have shown up half an hour earlier, before the entire 4th infantry had been tossed off the side of the mountain. But Gandalf is most wise! He clearly knew something we did not and held on to the eagles until the right moment.

“Gandalf!! Might you at least try a card trick to distract this troll from killing us all??!” But Gandalf, ever the rascal, cupped his hand to his ear to feign deafness. “Eh what’s that sonny?”

Again. Cut for time.

Legolas, the longhaired Elven master of archery was also a crowd favorite. His character was a great example of how this film achieved a completely engrossing movie-going experience with painstaking attention to detail. Case in point, the elf’s left ear was pierced!

I tried to see if the other elves had pierced ears, but most of them seemed to hide their lobes with their hair. I thought it odd that Legolas would have gotten his ear pierced and yet opt to not wear some sort of stud or loop in the tiny hole. Elves of MiddleEarth do look somewhat androgynous... perhaps all the elves opted to remove their earrings when spending time with the more macho humans for fear of looking too “gay.” (I don’t mean this in a bad way, so much as I mean the elves might be quite sensitive about the fact that they don't grow good beards, and the humans are constantly taking their women)

Okay, that’s probably waaaay over thinking it. More likely it was that Legolas had gotten the piercing on a whim when he was a teenager and suddenly none of the elves were doing earrings anymore. Everyone nowadays was all into their rings (hence the title of the movie). But again, we can only speculate...

When immersed in a fantasy film, it’s best to not assume that things you see are anachronisms. Case in point, while watching Attack of the Clones on cable last month, I noticed that Anikin Skywalker (or maybe it was Owen Lars, I can’t remember) had stretch “dimples” on the shoulders of his cloak from where it had sat on the clothes hangar. It seemed quite logical that, though we never glimpsed clothes hangers (wire or otherwise) in the "Star Wars" universe, they more than likely used them. Especially on a planet such as Tattooine, which, aside from moisture vaporators, did not seem as technologically evolved as other areas of the Republic who had perhaps progressed far beyond the hangar, into other cloak storage gadgets. It would seem quite logical that Tattooine had just barely advanced past clothes hooks, racks and door jams, making a clothes hangar a real find. (The Jawas probably hoarded them!) I would also venture that hangar dimples were accentuated on Tattooine due to an increased gravitational pull on the planets surface. But all of this is, of course, speculation. We won’t know more about the hangars until George Lucas reveals it.

Back to Orlando Bloom-- I mean Legolas... his battle to take down the giant mastodons was THE BEST! Leaping from one of the creature’s massive legs to another, I kept waiting for him to take a long rope and run around the elephant very fast until their legs got tangled. The beast would have collapsed on its side in such an obvious homage to Luke Skywalker that Legolas would have certainly looked to the camera and given us a wink. What a crowd-pleasing moment that would have been! Anyone want to bet we’ll see that on the Director’s Cut?

So there you have it! Every now and then, a film is done with such artistry that it transcends pop culture and transports the viewer to another land without distraction. If you want to get completely lost in a movie, Return of the King should be your choice. If you want more, the movie leaves it open, and I’m sure Frodo will come back and reunite the gang for more sequel adventures.

And if you can’t wait till then, I hear the trilogy is coming out in book form soon!