From the Headlines...

Euro-Scientists Accused of ‘Rover-Envy’

“Simply Awesome!” That’s how scientists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory describe the adrenaline rush from the success of their Mars ‘Spirit’ rover this past week. The Mars probe mission has performed flawlessly thus far with Mission Controllers releasing dozens of color photos in the past 48 hours.

But not everyone was enthusiastic.

“It’s just more American arrogance,” says Belgium scientist Nathan Shingle, with the European Space Agency (ESA). The agency’s own Mars rover, ‘Beagle’, has not responded to signals since its scheduled landing in December and is presumed lost. “There’s nothing more loathsome than seeing NASA eggheads dance around doing high-fives, ‘Look at me, look at me!’ We’re on Mars!’ Bleh, whatever.”

Mars Project Manager James August accused the Europeans of suffering from ‘Rover-Envy.’ “Looks like someone used a bargain brand rover,” said August. He went on to state that two out of three scientists surveyed preferred NASA rovers over the no-name brand rover.

“Says who?” countered Shingle, heatedly. “There’s no survey, they are making that up!”

As for the color photos from ‘Spirit’, Shingle and his German counterpart, Vaas Hoffseig, seemed unimpressed.

“Have you seen those pictures?” said Hoffseig. “Big whoop! I swear they took the old Viking photos from 1977 and just Photoshopped them. I laughed when I saw them!”

“I thought they were boring,” Shingle interjected.

“They were funny and boring,” Hoffseig added. “I laughed, then quickly fell asleep.”

August shrugged off the Rover Envy with a grin. “If those guys want some help we’d be glad to, you know, give them a few pointers. Maybe our rover will stumble over their dead one, and we can give it a little push. What’s it called again? Bagel?”



Man Summoned to ‘Springer’ Taping Shocked to Find Marriage Over

28-year old Doug Cruise was shocked on Monday to find that his three-year marriage to wife Christina was over. After being invited to Chicago by the producers of “The Jerry Springer Show,” Cruise learned that Christina, 26, had been having an affair with his best friend, Carl.

“Christina had been kind of aloof for about six months, but I didn’t think much of it,” said Cruise. “When she mentioned she had a secret, and that she’d announce it on ‘Jerry Springer’ with me and my buddy Carl, I thought it sounded like fun!”

Cruise said his experience on the show was anything but fun.

“The three of us were on stage and she announced in front of everyone that she and Carl were in love. Everyone was cheering and I couldn’t believe it. People on the show were nice, but as far as secrets go, this one was a disappointment.”

Cruise had been curious about his wife’s secret but had no idea it was that Christina was sleeping with his best friend. “I thought maybe she was getting her ears pierced again or something, er... I don’t know what I thought.”

As for his friendship with Carl, Cruise was not optimistic. “Carl and me have always been best buds, but I’m not so sure now.”

Cruise also said the ‘Springer’ stage was much smaller than he expected. “It looks much, much bigger on TV. From the stage entrance to the audience front row was only like two steps. That was weird.”