Please... hold your applause

I’m trying to remember… at what point did the State of the Union Address become 30% shameless ass-kissing applause? Clinton used to get interrupted by applause too. So did George Bush Sr. because I remember specifically that "Saturday Night Live" did a spoof of it in 1991.

Michael J. Fox was the host, and Dana Carvey did a sketch of George Bush doing the State of the Union. All Bush had to say was “Operation Desert Storm” and all of Congress jumped to their feet and applauded for 30 seconds. Michael J. Fox kept leaping up at inappropriate times.

I’m pretty sure that going to the State of the Union used to be like going to church. People were known to nod off. And clapping simply wasn’t done unless some kids sang a hymn or something and were exceptionally adorable, a phenomenon that almost never occurs during the State of the Union.

The Address (heretofore referred to as the SotU) used to be nothing but a speech. Now it’s a completely orchestrated show whose producers know at what points to tug on your heartstrings, and how to make you fall in love with the main character.

All the elements are there. You’ve got your show opening (the introduction), your studio audience (Congress), your co-host/sidekick (Dick Cheney) and generally several cameo appearances (guests) pointed out by the host. I think the first President to pepper the SotU with stand-up material or an incontinent monkey from the San Diego zoo will be the greatest Commander in Chief ever.

It must have been very tricky to be a Democrat in the audience with everyone applauding every sentence. You’d really have to think quickly before putting your hands together knowing both your political party and your constituents are watching.

Applauding the heroism of our troops? Good. Applauding the Presidents tax cuts? Bad. It would be very easy to get confused and have to answer to someone the next day.

“Senator Dave, what were you thinking applauding the President’s ‘excess litigation’ comment? Didn’t you know that was a stab at Democrat, John Edwards?”

“Oh, uh… I applauded, but it was uh… sarcastic applause. Yeah. Couldn’t you tell?”

Which reminds me… I wonder what the longest sustained SotU applause was (not including introductions and completions). Is some Rand Corporation “Rainman”-type out there keeping those kinds of statistics?

As usual, the “Democratic Response” was a total snoozer. Why? No applause. Come on, guys. Rent a cheap studio in Virginia or something, get an audience and put on a real show of your own. Better yet, build a “set” identical to the House Chamber and fill it with suited extras. Then you can orchestrate as many standing ovations as you want. People will think George W. was just the opening act!

And if Joan Embery loses a python on the Senate floor? You're goin' all the way to the White House!