From the Headlines...

Psychic Medium John Edward Not Running for President

In an effort to quell confusion once and for all, psychic medium John Edward called a press conference to explain that he is not seeking the Democratic nomination.

“I am not running for President,” said John Edward. “My name is John Edward, not John Edwards. The difference is subtle, but huge. John Edwards is a senator from North Carolina and I’m not. John Edwards has a female coming through who passed from an impact. She wants to make fun of him about the tire swing. I’m getting an M name... Maggie... Margaret... Mary... something with an M.”

The production offices of Edward’s syndicated talk show Crossing Over With John Edward has received millions of dollars in campaign contributions in the past week. Despite this, both Edwards and Edward continue to trail John Kerry in the polls.

“Am I losing to John Kerry?” pondered Edward. “The answer is yes. And I say yes, not because I’m running for President but because I’m not running for President, which means I am in fact losing to John Kerry and am not at all favored to win the nomination.”

“John Kerry has a male who has passed to his side,” Edward continued, “which means I’m talking about a brother, cousin or friend. They’re making me feel like they didn’t have a good relationship with John for most of his life and they want me to mention ‘the coins’ or something silver, is this making sense, yes or no?”

Analysts estimate that some thirty percent of senator John Edwards' supporters actually think they are campaigning for the psychic.

Michele Carlson of Alabama laughed off the statistic. “I’m not stupid,” said Michelle who was driving her family to Michigan next week to show her support for Edwards. “I’m with Edwards, not Edward. I’m going all the way to Michigan because I want to shake the hand of the next President of the United States,” she said. “That, and I’d really like to hear from my dead grandmother.”

Though psychic John Edward is not favored to win the Michigan primary, he remains several points ahead of Al Sharpton.