I’ve Wiped My Butt on Every Single Thing in This Apartment

by Oggy the kitty, Guest Blogger



I've got a lot of time on my hands. But that doesn't mean I'm lazy or lack motivation. I'm a motivated go-getter. And though it's taken a couple years, I've harnessed my ambition and succeeded in rubbing my ass on every single surface inside this house. People say that cats are clean animals...

Total. Complete. Myth.

Did you forget that you pried a urine soaked piece of kitty litter off my nose while I was lying on your pillow? Ha! No telling how long that had been there!

We like the appearance of cleanliness, but we're actually more toxic than a wet gorilla at the zoo. Like other cats, I'm only licking myself to deplete excess bacteria on my tongue. Germ-ridden feline saliva mixes with fur particles and dander to coat me with a noxious bacterial glaze.

Funny that you spend so much time cleaning my litter box given the fecal matter I've smeared on the TV screen, deposited inside of your drinking glass, and even gotten on the chandelier. I even put parasitic hook worms on the colander!


With such an enormous task completed, I'm unsure what I'll undertake next. For now, I'll sleep on it in a spot that I know is safe.