Puff & Stuff

I’m at Marshall’s today trying on clothes when I suddenly realize the size 34 Polo brand pants don’t fit me anymore. So I try this Savane brand and they don’t fit me either. Did Marshall’s pull a carton of botched “irregular” pants out of the dumpster? Is that where they get their bargain products? Or could it be that I just can’t wear size 34 pants anymore?

Say it ain’t so!!

Used to be, my Levis label read 33/32. And over the past ten years I have sculpted and cardio’d three times a week – scarfed bacon omelets on the Atkins diet and eaten tuna and yam slaw while I did The Zone. I’ve preened and fixated on my body with the compulsiveness of a soap actor while friends roll their eyes and call me a girl, only to later get a copy of my diet or confess to their girlfriends that they wish they had my calves.

Now, as I approach 40, my body is changing in ways that really and truly suck. For example, my head is becoming larger in proportion to my shoulder width. Come on, look at me! I’m becoming the set-up to the “Why the long face?” punchline.

And though I don’t worry about gaining weight so much, I really don’t want to look puffy.



Take David Boreneaz for example. He hit a wall a couple years ago and went all “Puffy the Vampire Slayer.”








And look at Matt LeBlanc. He used to be Captain Tiger Beat -- now the photographer has to take a step back to get Matt's whole face in the picture.



As my self-obsession continues, there is hope out there. Guys like Bon Jovi and Johnny Depp are in their 40’s yet manage to hold back the years and avoid the puffs.

Aww crap, they’re both smokers, aren’t they?!

I guess all this time I could have been trading one kind of puff for another. Smoking is cool, but I don't think I can stand the stench. Maybe it's time to start making cheese omelets again.

Meanwhile, you'll find me buying this years Halloween mask in the Big & Tall shop.