Bernie Says... "Welcome to Birmingham!"

So for work, we're in Birmingham, Alabama.

We happen to notice a prominent statue on the hill but can't quite make it out. The statue features a pointy part -- something raised and it's the real crux to the mystery. Over the course of the day, we've all created our own theories.

From the highway 280 interchange, I thought it looked like a man giving a German "heil". See, he's marching a goosestep and has raised his left forearm. The more I described it as such, the more convincing it got.

"Heil Alabama!" it's called. Yes, yes, it's quite un-PC and very controversial. Birmingham'ans are always bitching about the terrible Nazi statue that overlooks their town. They sigh and write letters to the editor, but Alabama is doggedly stubborn and has a very low Jewish population. And then there's a shooting, or Auburn has a football game and people get distracted and forget until the next time.

My theory is quashed in favor of another. No, no, the statue is of Daniel Boone. Wearing his trademark coonskin cap, the pointy part is not an arm, but the long barrel of his rifle, raised to defend Alabama from the vicious "redcoats" during the Revolutionary War.

Boone symbolizes the pioneer spirit of the Yankees who swept in and settled Birmingham -- seizing these lands from the French who baked bagettes and ruled with snobbery from here to Louisiana. It now seems quite obvious to me that the "pointy" is a rifle barrel. How could I have thought otherwise??

Finally, both theories are rejected in favor of a real one. The statue is of "Bernie Birmingham." He's the town mascot and, lemme tell ya, a pretty hip character!

His arm points skyward in a cool "Saturday Night Fever"-like dance pose. Built in the 80's for the "Birmingham Says No to Drugs" campaign, "Bernie's" likeness can now be seen on highway signs and local cable access channels with slogans such as: Bernie says: Buckle up Birmingham! and more recently, Bernie says: Don't forget to vote Republican!

Tonight, I returned to the hotel and googled "Birmingham statue" to find the truth. Turns out, none of us were right. The mystery statue is that of Vulcan!

Well, I completely fell out of my chair. Apparently, no one can drive a wedge between this town and its love of Star Trek! You go, Birmingham!

Perhaps the lesson from this tale is that culture doesn't have to be of this world. A town as rich in history as Birmingham can move past the French occupation, its dislike of the Jews and it's "McGruff the Crime Dog" style mascot -- to really embrace a more universal future.

To do otherwise would be... "illogical."