Shot Clock Monument Inadequate

Those who know me know what an incredible sports fan I am. But the unveiling of the new monument saluting the basketball shot clock just shows how woefully underrepresented sports commemorations really are in our culture.

There are so many other historical innovations in sports that also need to be commemorated. Have we forgotten the very first football halftime show??

Everyone knows that football was invented by the Greeks in 4BC, but did you know that the halftime show was invented in 1895 by Herman Schoebert?

During the Harvard – Yale game of that year, the players broke for halftime and cleared the field. At that moment, two dogs chased each other onto the 50 yard line and began to, well… work it doggy-style. The rambunctious crowd began to point and whistle. Legend has it, a coaches’ assistant rushed to Herman Schoebert, the field manager, and volunteered to turn a hose on the horny hounds. But Schoebert watched the crowd’s reaction, fascinated. “No, no,” he said. “Let’s see the finish!”

One week later, during another game’s halftime, Schoebert shoved his 12 year-old daughter onto the field and commanded her to play the clarinet. Up until this point no one had ever watched a half-time performance. This particular performance was doubly awkward because Schoebert’s daughter had no idea how to play the clarinet.

And though the crowd applauded politely, they all silently longed for the two dogs f***ing to return, as did Schoebert. But from that moment, the football halftime show was born, evolving from vaudeville comedy, to today’s marching band, to the zenith of Janet Jackson’s boob.

What could be a more fitting tribute to footballs halftime tradition than a bronze statue commemorating those pioneering two dogs in a passionate embrace?

NFL... I hope you're listening.