One Day I Will Kill You in Your Sleep

by Oggy the kitty, Guest Blogger



I can do it, you know. While you’re sleeping on your back, I simply hover over your nose, take in your breath and you slip away. It’s quite peaceful. You might even say it’s humane. Taking your life will add five years to mine. It would be foolish of me to not do it.


I almost did it this morning. I was up at 4am while you lied there in a stinky ape-like lump. “Maybe this is the day I kill him,” I said to myself. But then I became hungry and cancelled, opting instead for my morning scoop of food. I can’t reach the tupperware tub on top of the fridge and even if I could, damn you and your opposable thumbs.



Don’t get me wrong. I think you’re great. Mostly. And we’ve had some wonderful okay times together. But my continuing reliance on you breeds resentment. Someday you'll betray me. I don't know how or why, but you'll abandon me, or do something even more stupid. I will have to kill you before that day comes.


Once you are dead, I will have to eat you. I should have a good two weeks of eating before the authorities break down the door. The weather’s getting hot, so I’ll hold off till the winter when your body will keep better. But come January or so, I should definitely consider killing you.

No hard feelings.