What... Me Worry??

While my sister and I were growing up, it was my grandmother Mimi’s responsibility to infuse in us a sense of fear about the world. It was she who warned me on a cross country trip that signaling truckers to honk their horns might annoy them enough to run us off the interstate. Or that other drivers might not know the “thumb’s up” sign, think it’s a lewd gesture and report me to the state police. It was also Mimi who meticulously shaved the eyes off the potatoes because they would make us sick, and cautioned that swallowed watermelon seeds would take root in our stomachs.

The message from my grandmother was generally consistent: The world is a dangerous place, and it will probably snuff you out in a moment you’re enjoying life and/or lacking vigilance.

This weekend, while walking on the pier in Venice it became clear that Mimi’s cautionary wisdom has had a noteworthy side effect: she’s been internalized into my own psyche. I admitted to my girlfriend (heretofore referred to as Academy Girl) that as we walked on the pier I was compelled to notice how far out we’d come, just in case we had to run for our lives from the 100 foot tall tsunami which we now know could (will) sweep the Los Angeles coastline after a massive earthquake out in the Pacific.

Oh come on, I said, like you didn’t think of it? Like every single person here on this pier didn’t think of the tsunami when they saw the ocean, and look down to consider how good their running shoes were for when they’ll have to sprint back to land or else be crushed against the very wooden timbers we walk on?

She assured me that the thought had not occurred to her and that, indeed, she doubted anyone else had thought of such a thing either.

Oh please… Like every sunbather on that beach hasn’t considered how far inland they parked the car or made mental note of a boogie board they’ll snatch from a teenager when the water starts receding?

I suddenly realized that many of the obvious worries I took for granted were perhaps not as universal as I’d assumed.

Could I actually be the only one who assumes the toilet in a dive bar has a penis level spycam that goes straight to the internet? Am I the only one who takes pepper spray on a camping trip in case there's a bear or crazy mountain people who steal wallets and car keys?

Surely there are others who meticulously rate the person in charge of the plane's exit row on a scale of 1 to 10, or assume someone's going to spit on them when they fall in the snow under the skilift, or that when they get carded in a bar that it's only as a mean-spirited joke, or worry about getting a concussion from a fly ball while at a baseball game, or move their bed in a hotel room in case it's too close to the powerlines, or hold their breath when they smell roofing tar 'cause they'll get cancer... think about an earthquake when stuck in traffic under an overpass... look up inside an elevator to make sure there’s an escape hatch... won't take off their shoes in a dressing room in case there are loose pins on the floor... wonder if expired medications immediately turn into poison... mentally rehearse the Heimlich when eating a ham sandwich alone... or won’t buy a swimsuit if there's the hint someone else has tried it on?

Do other people not routinely do or think these things?

Then this is my grandmother's legacy. Mimi lived into her 90's, perhaps her fears of rainbowed ham and peeling teflon are what kept her around so long.

Ever vigilant... my next trip to the beach will not involve flip-flops. I'll wear the running shoes, thank you.