Slow News Week

When there's a holiday weekend, we often forget that people in every industry are on vacation. That includes the news people. I envisioned all the reporters and copy editors at home enjoying turkey leftovers as I noted some unusual headlines on my Yahoo homepage the last few days.

Today, for example, Yahoo decided that Martha Stewart is Popular in Prison Mess Hallwas a worthy top story. Someone at AP apparently interviewed a Roman Catholic nun who's doing time with Stewart and she reports that the inmates are all abuzz for the chance to sit with Martha.

The most remarkable thing about the story is that Martha is doing time with a 57 year-old nun. I guess I had envisioned Martha using cigarettes as money and getting in knife-fights in the weight room, so I'm a little disappointed.

Yahoo decided that France was a popular news item this week. I was first dazzled by the headline French Cheese Voted Smelliest, and then noticed Court Rules French Film Not French Enough.

I can't help but wonder if there are some really great news stories going unreported in the last four days. Or are the newsmakers making turkey sandwiches too?

Geeks Still Run the Net (God love 'em!)

My latest search for new links reminded me that the geeks out there are still running the internet. This extensive examination of Darth Vader's injuries is proof positive that a good nerd can get to the bottom of anything.

Meanwhile, it's the cats that remain a favorite topic on the web. Live Nude Cats does a pretty decent job of spoofing porn and giving us all a cat fix. There are also links to cat blogs which are worth checking out.

(I'm feeling great again, thanks for the well-wishes!)

From the Headlines...

Slump Threatens Terror Website

After four months of record-breaking internet traffic, the “Islamic Death Jihad” website has recently seen a steady decline in hits. The site has been both a recruiting tool for terror and the mouthpiece for the “Iraqi Jihad” insurgent movement.

For IDJ’s webmaster, Fazul Al-Din, the decrease in traffic has taken a personal toll.

“Every day it gets more difficult,” says Fazul. “I weep and pray to Allah as I check with Sitemeter and see the paltry count of hits. Gone are the days when the videos of our horrific beheadings lit up the web like the great lantern of God.”

Videos of decapitations just a few months ago were glory days for the website which was forced to change its ISP when the traffic reached 50,000 hits a day.

“Those were good times,” says Fazul. “Sarim and Mohammed came running in from Mosul stinking of gunpowder and goat’s milk, and when I showed them the site counter, they lifted me on their shoulders. ‘God is great and so is Fazul!’ they shouted!”

Fazul blames the site’s decline on the market saturation of video executions as well as the proliferation of pirated beheading videos.

“Our last beheading was for sale in a Baghdad gas station just one day after we posted it. That is crazy. People are crooks, I tell you.”

The members of Iraqi Jihad have considered radical ideas for luring web surfers back to their beheadings, to no avail. “Mohammed suggested we get a bigger knife,” says Fazul. “Sarim wanted to dress as Marie Antoinette, which made no sense. The idea was confusing and completely out of context. I can’t believe Sarim actually suggested it. I’m embarrassed just repeating it. The point is, beheadings just aren’t shocking anymore.”

“Now they come to me with empty hearts. ‘Fazul, we have had a hard day of kidnapping and murdering Iraqi innocents,’ they say. ‘How are the hits? Are they using the new comments system?’ they ask me. ‘Do the people shower us with praise for our glorious killings?’”

Remarkably, the site had only received one new comment that day, which was simply “U suxxors” left by a username 1yummy69.

High profile sponsors such as Abu Cola, Burkas-4-Less, and Expedia.com have all pulled ads from the site since web traffic declined.

As for finding new sponsors, Fazul says he’s down but not out.

“Allah be praised, the internet is constantly evolving!” he says. “Amazon.com has a wonderful Associates Program, and I am reading really good things about Google Ad Sense.”

Truly Weird at Yale University...

As part of our Psychology/Ivy League tour, we were at Princeton the other day, Yale today and yesterday, and we'll be at Harvard tomorrow.

The oddest thing happened today at Yale...

We were moving quickly down the street, looking for one of the Psychology buildings when a young student passed me.

"Hi, Cody" she said, briefly making eyecontact.

We passed quickly and I turned back to look at her. She kept on going. I was stunned for moment. Was that someone I knew?

"That girl called me by name!"

"I heard her say hi," my boss said. "Did you know her?"

"That was weird!" By that time, she was long gone in the hectic morning street crowd.

My mind was racing. I had never set foot in Connecticut, much less knew anyone affiliated currently with Yale. I highly doubt that of the paltry twenty hits I get here a day that a stranger could actually recognize me from a photo.

Very odd.

What if... This is my Life Now??

I opened my eyes this morning with a swirly queasy sensation, like waking completely sober after a night of mixing drugs and alcohol. I felt odd, but for an instant could not recall why. The only thing I mixed was Tylenol Nighttime Flu and something called azithromycin.

I have been sick deathly ill ever since my trip to Chicago. What started as a little postnasal drip has become an I-can’t-get-out-of-bed marathon. The two straight weekends I’ve spent in bed include the Veterans Day holiday and a sick day from work. Tons of chicken soup, vitamin C and an attempt at amoxicillin later, I still can’t buck this bug.

Friday night was the worst. I had the kind of chills that get even atheists praying. “Please just get me through this!”

Bundled in bed, enduring wave after wave of freezing shivers that would not give up, I did manage to rise from bed to gather the phone and unbolt the front door for the paramedics, whom I might have to call. I don’t think paramedics beat down doors. They call the Fire Department for that, which is yet one more siren pulling up in my neighborhood at this ungodly hour. Yes, yes, far better to lumber on foot and knee to the door now than have the building owner over here studying the broken door as she rubs her chin. “Hmm, you weren’t conscious to get the door for them? Whose fault is that?”

I nearly passed out from that trip to the door and back to the bed. And though I didn’t call the paramedics, I risked the late hour and called a friend who lived about ten miles away (that’s close in LA) just so someone could know what was happening and could take down my dying words if this really was the end.

But I had no regrets in my final hours. No, it was that doctor who saw me on Friday who would regret.

She saw me with a smile, dutifully weighed me in at 195, took my blood pressure, noted my 99.3 temperature and proceeded to tell me I didn’t have pneumonia. “You’ve got a nasty sinus infection,” she said. “Take this azithromycin. These three pills are the same as ten days of antibiotics. Any questions?”

“Do I really weigh 195?” I asked. “Has that thing been calibrated?”

This can’t be just another sinus infection. What if I have some forgotten disease doctors can no longer recognize? What if I have a freaky-rare foreign infection that a smile, a pat on the head and a free sample of Flonase won’t cure? What if, after my autopsy, Dr. Anna Wilson of the Toluca Lake MPTF clinic (naming her for the record) has to be called in before some judiciary panel?

“Did you honestly think this was a sinus infection?… Why didn’t you catch this before countless lives were lost?… Did he look 195?”

So as I lay here sick (not shivering and screaming for mercy at this moment), I realize that death is not the ultimate fear. When you’re bad sick (really baddy-bad sick), you know death would be the sweet release.

Life is the real fear. What if my life is just like this now? What if the rest of my life is just trying to get to the bathroom and back without passing out? What if my dinner choices will forever be Progresso Chicken with Rice, Chicken with Barley, or Herb Seasoned Chicken with Dumplings?

And what happens when I run out of them???

How about we head downtown and catch a band? Let's see, "Moist Fist" is opening for "Halo of Flies" and I hear "Mr. Hollands Anus" rocks!

Be sure to check out other Funny Band Names. It's the weekest link!

Apparently the results of the Presidential Election have a lot of people looking for a kinder, gentler place to live. Word has it that hits to the Canadian immigration website have spiked sharply with people looking to learn aboot moving to the Great White North.

The above Yahoo story also lead me to the spoof site, Marry an American, which has those hosers luring disillusioned liberals northward.

Mmm, I smell a fresh Link of the Week!

The Piano Man Revisited

Two years ago I opted not to sell my Billy Joel cd's. Instead I sent them to the back row with my old soundtracks and Del Amitri -- giving priority to the stuff I listen to more often.

Then, because my music mix for the recent party was a 70's set, I put pulled out Billy Joel and put in "I'm Moving Out."

I also put in "Sometimes a Fantasy", "Only the Good Die Young" and "Zanzibar."

I've had "Zanzibar" in my head ever since. Wow. Welcome back The Stranger!

Hole in Space-Time Envelops Earth: No Turning Back

Since the 2000 election, we have been living in a tangent universe that was never supposed to happen. Our final chance to close this rip in the fabric of space has now passed.

And now, our up-is-down, logic-out-the-window path is cemented in history.

We are a nation blessed by God (as we march away from light and into darkness)…

We will endeavor to keep our country safe (while inviting our enemies to bring it on)

Afterall, freedom’s on the march (at the barrel of our guns)

As our boys fight overseas (for a man who weaseled out of it when it was his turn)…

To smite our enemies (before it occurs to them to smite us)

And wipe them from the Earth! (while we create even more enemies)

Come on, Harold, the election is over – it’s time to end the divisiveness!

I promise that this is it. When it comes to this forum, I’m done with political rants and sour grapes. I fully expect to go through all the stages of grief in the next couple months. I will be in good company in this process, but I won’t speak of it here.

Just keep in mind that the ironies listed above are real. On Election Day, our company country overwhelmingly approved these policies and made them our national referendum. If 51% of the nation feels safer, then maybe (just maybe) it’s worth it.

As for me... I quake in my boots at what the future holds.