Who Graduates From Middle School??

Did you graduate from middle school? I don’t mean did you finish middle school, I mean did you have a scheduled event where your family got dressed up to see you get a diploma for not failing the sixth through the eighth grades?














Well, this past Wednesday night, (aka a “school night”) my street was streaming with traffic. Horns are honking. Kids are screaming, adults are giggling, while cops are everywhere and a police helicopter circles overhead. And this is at 11:20pm!! God forbid anyone in the neighborhood has to get up early the next morning. Nope, we all put our lives on hold to congratulate little Johnny on learning that hola means hello.

Why. Why are they having this event??

Here’s a newsflash… in the big wheel of life, the three years between grade school and high school are absolutely nothing special. “Graduating” from eighth grade sends our impressionable preteens exactly the wrong message, which is…

Graduations don’t matter. They’re like birthday cake and American Idol winners. Hang around five minutes and another one will show up.

In fact, why don’t we all just go find our high school diplomas, pull down our pants and take a big dump on them right now?! Cause, thanks to Wilson Middle School in Glendale, California, graduation means nothing.

You completed your book report of “A Wrinkle in Time” and learned how to add fractions -- congratulations on your degree from the eighth grade!! Why, whatever will you do now?! Perhaps you’ll join the Peace Corp or travel Europe and put that five weeks of French to good use! After all, you’re twelve years old, persevered through Spelling, and have the world in your prepubescent clutches.














Listen parents, take your eighth grader to Sizzler and let them have extra sprinkles at the ice cream bar -- not because they finished another grade but because it's just another damn Wednesday!! And teachers, get the kids' attention and talk to them a bit about how difficult high school is going to be. And do it during classroom hours so the police cars and Glendale helicopters can be chasing criminals and arresting gang bangers.

People need to stop being crazy…

Tom Cruise Kills Oprah

Doesn't get much better than that.

Not a Bowie Fan

I'm not a fan of David Bowie. I should make that completely clear. I am also not a fan of David Bowie's "area".

And by "area" I naturally mean "the part of David Bowie that is all-encomposing, and pre-dates the written word".

But please check out this week's link, David Bowie's Area, and maybe you'll learn a few things about yourself and the world you live in. Also be sure to check out the links they have at the left to learn more.

The Way We Do It in LA

People outside Los Angeles assume that celebrities are commonplace here -- a normal part of our daily lives.

This is, of course, completely true.

Morgan Fairchild, for example, once helped me with the leg press at my Bally's gym. Tom Cruise once cut me off in traffic and of course all Angelenos seek out director David Lynch for their daily weather report.

Next week... the Dodger report from Tori Spelling! My thanks to my pal Mac for this wonderful link.

Buddha Squirrel

My thanks to X for filling in during my absence. That last photo is both disturbing and hilarious. All truly perfect for the spirit of this site!

I have returned from what was a critter-filled zen retreat. Amongst the wild flowers and recitings of the Enmei Jukku Kannon Gyo, I saw a mouse and a bat in my room (the upstairs of a barn), plenty of snakes, multiple deer, a tarantula on the garden path, and of course this crazy squirrel.

Perched atop the community kitchen, I had been hearing him but thought he was just an obnoxious bird. Some say he answers the dinner bell, others say he'll leap at you and pull a vein out of your neck!

Meanwhile, be sure to check out Star Wars is Satan's Tool. Star Wars continues to be the gift that keeps on giving.

The Airplane Contest

This is a photo from the day my co-workers and I had a balsa wood airplane contest. Of course, I won.

Jesus, have you ever seen so many ugly women in one place?

Gorgeous George

Okay, the real question is: Is this the before photoshop, or the after?

In the words of immortal comic genius Rip Taylor, "Look, people, I don't dance. This is it!"

More tomorrow. But don't worry, I promise I'm running out of material here.

While the Cat's Away...

While "Harold" is away on sabbatical, he's left Mr. X to tend the blog. As much as I'd love to get down and dirty and sabotage Cellar Door, I've found it's all I can do just to update it. But the power just knowing that I CAN!

So, as per Harold's request, I'll just be posting a few images I've tampered with using everyone's favorite commercial photo editing software, Photoshop.



Sure, this image is a little dated, but who can forget about poor little Elian Gonzalez?

In the coming days, look for a new image of our Commander-in-Chief I'm currently working on just for this blog. I'm hoping to capture what I feel is his true essence.

And don't forget to check out the Cellar Door link of the week, GPS Panties, left by Harold just before he ran for the mountains.

June Sabbatical

It's June already which means I'm off to my yearly Buddhist retreat! This will be my longest stay there yet.

But please keep checking in. I've scheduled a guest blogger or two, so things should keep running while I'm gone.