Oscar Day

I'm off to my friends' Academy Awards party. Everyone is to bring food with Oscar themes. The tie-in's are pretty liberal... you know, "Return of the King Onion Rings" that sort of thing. Seeing as how I'm from the South, I had volunteered to bring "Cold Mountain Oysters."

"Oh, that sounds great!" they said.

They didn't get it. Had to explain it to them. (search for Mountain Oysters if you don't either)

But they know I can't cook, so what did they assign me? Ice. Excuse me, that's "Cold Mountain Ice," thank you.

Meanwhile, I'm LOVING this week's new link, again courtesy of Del. It's called "My Cat Hates You" and it's a real hoot.

See you soon, lots to post this week...

Substitute Xerox Toner Salesman Thinks He’s Better Than Me

by Selma Jensen, guest blogger


I have been a crossing guard at Woodrow Wilson Middle School in Glendale California for eight years. And during that time, there is one lesson I learn over and over: Give people an inch and they will take a mile!

Every now and then, the xerox toner salesman pays a visit to the school. Carl Marks (the toner salesman, not the Russian dictator) and I get along fine, it’s his lackey substitute I’ve got a bone to pick with.

This reject from the Xerox typing pool came driving his 80’s Cadillac through the crosswalk yesterday and rolled down his window at me.

“I’m here to repair the Xerox machine,” he says. “Where do I park?”

I should have told him the street. My mistake. “Anywhere past that gate,” I tell him. “Just don’t park in the Faculty Lot.”

Attention: Substitute Xerox toner salesman! Why are you such a moron?

What did you go and do? YOU PARKED IN THE FACULTY LOT!

Did you somehow manage to get that black powder in your ears?? Maybe you heard me, but figured I wouldn’t notice.

Wrong bucko!

Oh, she’s just a crossing guard, what does she know? Yeah, you think you’re better than me, don’t you? Maybe you didn’t get a good look, Sparky, but I’m a public servant! I’m a safety officer charged with protecting the city’s youth, while you’re the bench warmer for the xerox B-team.

You drove right past the faculty lot sign in that big pimp car of yours acting like you’re Gods gift to toner when all you really do is play second fiddle, living in the shadow of Carl Marks and the other legitimate toner salesmen.

I guess it’s a good thing Mrs. Crenshaw had already parked in the handicapped spot to unload her Rascal or you probably would have parked there, wouldn’t you!

It’s all about you, isn’t it?! I guess you’ve got to park extra close to the front door with that six pound case of toner of yours weighing you down. Next time let us know you’re coming and we’ll break out the red carpet and serve finger sandwiches for Your Royal Majesty!

You’re probably illiterate, but I’ll give this a shot anyway:

The Faculty Parking Lot is for FACULTY only! If you come back to my school and park in there again you’d best have a teaching certificate in that paw of yours, or mark my words—I will slam that bald head inside that suitcase of yours and you’ll find yourself back in the company mailroom eight days from last Tuesday, believe you me!

You have been warned!

Kelly sent this to me and I'm passing it along...

George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he invites questions. One little boy puts up his hand, and the President asks him his name.

"Billy!"

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions," says the boy. "First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?; Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; and Third - whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George W Bush informs the children that they will continue after recess. When they resume, the President says: "Okay where were we? Oh that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and asks his name.

"Steve!"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions: First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?; Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; Third - whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?; Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?; and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"

Prison Stripes Not Slimming

Martha Stewart’s show was airing on one of the TV’s this morning at the gym. I’m assuming that the show has been in rerun for some time… you know, due to her being on trial and all.

This particular show was about games for children that are educational, and an inordinate amount of time was spent with Martha playing Scrabble with two young boys.

While glancing up at the show now and then, I couldn’t help but wonder if there are some people who are happy that things don’t look good for Martha, given her reputation as a barbed tyrant.

As the camera panned across the Scrabble tiles, they appeared to randomly spell the word “keiser.” Crew people on shows are notorious for their subtlety, and I couldn’t help but think this was no accident.

Crew person snickers.

Martha: What’s so funny?

Crew Person: Oh, nothing… nothing…

I thought it would have been better if the letters the boys layed out had been pre-rigged to spell things like “prison,” and “guilty” and “karma.”

I don’t think she would have batted an eye.

Black Sunday (well, at least kinda grim)

Weather Watch 2004 continues here in La-La Land. It's rainy and cold and people are wrapped in blankets and wondering when the nightmare will end (or driving to the mountains for some bitchin skiing!).

Meanwhile, to soak in some rays, I've made the Online Facial Tanner the Link of the Week.

My friends who are gay call this Black Sunday due to tonight being the final episode of "Sex in the City." For me, it's a dark day for other reasons, including the fact that my head will be buried in tax preparation all day. But mainly, it's grim because Ralph Nader has declared his candidacy for President.

Ralph, you're an older fella... you do know you're not going to be President in this lifetime, right? I don't think you're consciously doing this for ego, and I completely understand running to make a point, but don't you know that this is not the time for that? While the guys at the White House pop the champagne to celebrate your news, please ponder the big picture here and go to Ralph Don't Run on the web.

In other news, fans of "Angel" please go here to help in the effort to save the show.

Would love to post some funny today, but if you'll excuse me I've got to find a couple grand in deductions!

Los Angeles Closed

There's thunder. And lightning. And rain.

The thunder is pretty intense, I think one of them was about a 3.2 on the Richter Scale. At any rate, unable to handle this frightening, unnatural disappearance of sunshine and 78 degree temperature, it was announced that my work office is closing today at 4:00.

May God watch over us in these desperate hours of terror...

Little Brother Has Little Tyke

My fraternity brother (and more importantly very good friend) Rykk is now a daddy! Heaven help us...

I have yet to hear details, but in honor of the feel-goodness, I have a link to share. I'm not usually one to forward along non-funny stuff, but I'll make an exception this time.

I didn't stick around to see what this guy was selling, but his video was excellent. My thanks to Quinn for sending this along.

WWII Pilot Sends His Best

Most of my days at work are spent with eyes locked on a screen watching old newsreels. The World Wars, the 1918 quake, people dancing the Charleston... to a Gen-X’er like myself, it’s as if these moving pictures are from the beginning of time. In fact, I’ll even go so far as to say that to my generation and younger, black and white footage like this is not considered real.

No, really. These flickering black and white images are so foreign to what we know as film – so completely devoid of the texture our eyes are trained to expect, that unconsciously these films don’t register on our brains as being anything more than a grade school cartoon. The people moving within them might as well be drawn by a pen.

And yet, every now and then an image leaps out and I’m reminded that the pictures and the people I’m watching are quite real indeed.

There are several examples of this happening, but the greatest one was last week while watching World War II American pilots on bombing runs.

At first it was all pretty standard stuff... “Flying Fortress” bombers in flight, bombs dropping and explosions on the ground. There was a shot of the back of the pilot’s head, his face with a wry grin, then another shot of his hands at the controls. The pilot then lifts his left hand off the rudder and places it forward on the dash with his middle finger extended.

Yes! He "flipped the bird" on camera!

I felt like I’d found one of those dirty flash frames in a Disney movie. This was British newsreel from 1943. Over 60 years ago! This guy, someone’s great great grandfather, and his message is an historic transmission to the future.

It just goes to show that the mischievous spark we have is not an invention of our jaded "modern" culture, or some ironic cynicsm inherited from the baby boomers. Whether it's "giving the finger" to the camera or holding "rabbit ears" behind someone in a serious portrait, clowning around is as old as society itself.

Who knows... maybe a study of cave paintings would reveal evidence of a pre-historic "wedgie."

My thanks to Deloit for another weekly link. Keep em' comin' Del.

Oriental UPS Driver Thinks He’s Better Than Me

by Selma Jensen, guest blogger

After being a crossing guard at Woodrow Wilson Middle School in Glendale California for eight years, I have seen a lot, I’ll tell you that. But what happened on Friday set back the human race a few 100 years.

Attention oriental UPS driver... Here’s a little Chinese wisdom: You are not better than me!

“How are you today?” I said.

It’s what we call being friendly. Maybe they don’t teach you how to do that over in Tokyo. You looked around like you were confused or something...

Wha? What's that? Where's that strange noise coming from?

Then you saw me and acted all surprised. Funny, you seemed to notice me two seconds ago when I stopped you at the crosswalk and you muttered something under your breath.

Maybe you’re having trouble with the language barrier. Around these parts we speak English, Yoko!

Or maybe you’re just in too much of a hurry to be friendly. Yeah, I know those Panda-flex folders have to get to Mrs. Crenshaw’s Home-Ec drawer asap! Wouldn’t want you to lose that precious .25 seconds saying hello to the crossing guard, no sir!

You really think you’re so high and mighty, don’t you? Strutting around in your short pants -- flexing those hairless brown calves of yours left and right, leaving that whiff of Old Spice and B.O. two seconds off your tail... You're not impressing anyone! You are not better than me!

That's your ancient Chinese secret right there!

Oh, and by all means, just flip on those hazard lights and run inside while your truck sits here wide open. Listen up, Tito! Don’t expect me to watch those boxes. I am not your security guard and if something happens to that brown bus of yours while I’m defending children from speed demons, read my lips...

I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE!

All you really are is just another bus driver, driving around cartons of catalog junk.

What say you and me make a deal, huh? Next time I say, “How are you?” take the attitude down a notch. So help me, I’ll tie your tail to that dolly of yours and have you delivered back to the Immigration office. Don’t think I won’t do it, too!

It's been a wicked week.

First, there was my breakup with Provance (see Feb. 3 entry). I severed our relationship and have been bracing myself for the tears and the whining. They're giving me the silent treatment at the moment, but very soon I expect groveling and promises that they'll change for me.

Word to any remaining Provancers, please don't post an entry if your opening sentence is "I'm so bored." Unless what follows will be a fresh take on the "I'm so bored" blog, just backspace and take the day off, okay? We all know what those comments will look like....

"I hope your boredom clears up." :-( Comments (1)

Meanwhile, my man John Kerry appears to have the nomination in the bag. And I had thought the Cellar Door endorsement would go nowhere...

I awakened this morning (well, er, yesterday morning now) to find that the Mars Rover story had gotten picked up by the Right Wing News!

Cool, but didn't they hear about the John Kerry endorsement?

Oh, the scandal.

I'm always looking for the next weekly link. If you've found a link that makes you laugh and are willing to share it, please let me know. Meanwhile, this is kind of fun...

From the Headlines...

Psychic Medium John Edward Not Running for President

In an effort to quell confusion once and for all, psychic medium John Edward called a press conference to explain that he is not seeking the Democratic nomination.

“I am not running for President,” said John Edward. “My name is John Edward, not John Edwards. The difference is subtle, but huge. John Edwards is a senator from North Carolina and I’m not. John Edwards has a female coming through who passed from an impact. She wants to make fun of him about the tire swing. I’m getting an M name... Maggie... Margaret... Mary... something with an M.”

The production offices of Edward’s syndicated talk show Crossing Over With John Edward has received millions of dollars in campaign contributions in the past week. Despite this, both Edwards and Edward continue to trail John Kerry in the polls.

“Am I losing to John Kerry?” pondered Edward. “The answer is yes. And I say yes, not because I’m running for President but because I’m not running for President, which means I am in fact losing to John Kerry and am not at all favored to win the nomination.”

“John Kerry has a male who has passed to his side,” Edward continued, “which means I’m talking about a brother, cousin or friend. They’re making me feel like they didn’t have a good relationship with John for most of his life and they want me to mention ‘the coins’ or something silver, is this making sense, yes or no?”

Analysts estimate that some thirty percent of senator John Edwards' supporters actually think they are campaigning for the psychic.

Michele Carlson of Alabama laughed off the statistic. “I’m not stupid,” said Michelle who was driving her family to Michigan next week to show her support for Edwards. “I’m with Edwards, not Edward. I’m going all the way to Michigan because I want to shake the hand of the next President of the United States,” she said. “That, and I’d really like to hear from my dead grandmother.”

Though psychic John Edward is not favored to win the Michigan primary, he remains several points ahead of Al Sharpton.

Confuse a Provance'r

There used to be a Monty Python skit called Confuse-a-Cat. John Cleese or other members of the gang would show up at your house and perform a series of random acts with the sole purpose of shocking your cat out of his stupor. I can’t help but think of it as my cooperation with Provance continues.

Provance is a service that promotes blogs by getting people to come post at your site. Each day I’m assigned several blogs in the network which I must read and post on. Meanwhile, several other random folks are assigned to come visit here and comment as well. There’s just one problem…

99.9% of the Provance bloggers are teenage girls and I find myself stumbling to comment on ‘boring homework’, or how ‘cute Josh is.’ Last week I landed on some Puerto Rican guys blog and was so happy I fell outta my chair, got back in it and fell out again.

The poor Provance’rs come here and are similarly confused.

Where are this guy’s fanlistings? Who is Selma Jensen and why is she so angry? What’s a State of the Union Address?

Most of the Provancer’s assigned to come here don’t even post. I think they wrinkle their brows and hit the “back” button. Those who stay must struggle for something to say as much as I do.

‘Hope my hernia gets better’ indeed.

I welcome and encourage all visitors, including my Provance friends… even if we do look like two cautious dogs circling each other in a park.

Guest Blogger

I'd like to start a new tradition. Every now and then, as I run out of stuff to say, I'd like to hand over the reins to someone who does. Thus, Selma Jensen is my first guest blogger.

You Kids Think You’re Better Than Me

by Selma Jensen

I’ve been a crossing guard at Woodrow Wilson Middle School in Glendale California for eight years. Eight years! You’d think I could get a little respect from you foul-mouthed rug rats.

Some people say you kids are getting worse every year. You’re not. You’re just as stupid and obnoxious as you were eight years ago. And every last one of you damn kids thinks you’re better than me.

Do you think I can’t see it in your eyes? The way you don’t make eye contact? The way I can stand alone with you at the crosswalk and you pretend I’m not there? You’d think I could get a simple ‘thank you’ for helping you cross the street one day, but all I get is contempt.

Newsflash, junior! You can’t drive a car, order alcohol, or go to an R-rated movie without your mommy. You’re not better than me!

Speaking of mommies... you parents are real pieces of work, I'll tell you that. I’m out here saving lives every day, what are YOU doing besides sitting in your Lexus SUV's picking your nose? You think I don’t see you roll your eyes when I stop you at the crosswalk? You can’t wait 30 seconds to pull away from the curb, and it’s YOUR KID I’M GUIDING ACROSS THE STREET!!

You shake that head of yours at me one more time, lady, and I'll slam this stop sign at your car so hard it'll set off your airbag and blow that six inch mask of makeup off your face and out the back window -- I'll tell you that.

And you school administrators! Don’t get me started with you pinheads. You think you can recruit some “gifted and talented” 12 year old to do what I do every day??

I AM A PROFESSIONAL!

Look that word up if you want.

‘Oh, we can save so much money if we get rid of Selma,’ they say. Yeah, I know my $11.65 four hours a day is a real strain on the city budget.

I'll tell what, mister, you mess with the bull, you'll get the horns. Don't think I won't do it, too. I know where you live.

Some people may be sensitive to religious satire... if that's you, please ignore this weeks link.

Psst... are they gone? Landover Baptist Church's site is hilarious. Be sure to check out the sound bites from Mrs. Judy O'Christian and the Ladies of Landover.