RIP Mitch Hedberg

While everyone mourns the very public death of Terri Schiavo and watches the Pope's health carefully, a real comic great has passed, almost unnoticed.

Mitch Hedberg was inventive and very, very funny. He will be missed.

Shot Clock Monument Inadequate

Those who know me know what an incredible sports fan I am. But the unveiling of the new monument saluting the basketball shot clock just shows how woefully underrepresented sports commemorations really are in our culture.

There are so many other historical innovations in sports that also need to be commemorated. Have we forgotten the very first football halftime show??

Everyone knows that football was invented by the Greeks in 4BC, but did you know that the halftime show was invented in 1895 by Herman Schoebert?

During the Harvard – Yale game of that year, the players broke for halftime and cleared the field. At that moment, two dogs chased each other onto the 50 yard line and began to, well… work it doggy-style. The rambunctious crowd began to point and whistle. Legend has it, a coaches’ assistant rushed to Herman Schoebert, the field manager, and volunteered to turn a hose on the horny hounds. But Schoebert watched the crowd’s reaction, fascinated. “No, no,” he said. “Let’s see the finish!”

One week later, during another game’s halftime, Schoebert shoved his 12 year-old daughter onto the field and commanded her to play the clarinet. Up until this point no one had ever watched a half-time performance. This particular performance was doubly awkward because Schoebert’s daughter had no idea how to play the clarinet.

And though the crowd applauded politely, they all silently longed for the two dogs f***ing to return, as did Schoebert. But from that moment, the football halftime show was born, evolving from vaudeville comedy, to today’s marching band, to the zenith of Janet Jackson’s boob.

What could be a more fitting tribute to footballs halftime tradition than a bronze statue commemorating those pioneering two dogs in a passionate embrace?

NFL... I hope you're listening.

Port-o-Potty Truck Driver Cooked my Goose!

by Selma Jensen, guest blogger


Well, they’ve finally done it! They finally got rid of old Selma!

For over nine years, I’ve been the crossing guard at Wilson Middle School in Glendale, California, but no more! So if you perverts can stop searching for porn for ten lousy seconds, let me regale you with my latest tale of woe!


They wouldn’t listen to yours truly, that this ten million dollar school renovation would put traffic and the entire neighborhood in one ripe tizzy. It wasn’t enough that I have to protect our nation’s innocents as they cross the street from their own rude parents, now I have to wave off beer-breathing contractors in cement trucks catcalling at nubile bodied thirteen year olds from behind their Raybans! Throw in the Oriental UPS delivery man and the substitute Xerox toner salesman driving his pimp car and you’ve got chaos!

But it was no one from that rogues gallery who did me in, nosiree. It was the Mexican teenage hipster driving the flatbed truck of port-o-potties who ran over my left foot! One trip to the ER and a back-door meeting of shady city reps later and yours truly is sent packing.

That’s right folks, I’m out!

For nine years I’ve been your champion of safety – only to be struck down by a Mexican illegal driving 12 tons of blue urine to a Santa Monica storm drain!

Well, long story short, my Bernstein is calling their Bernstein so we shall see! Meanwhile…

It has come to my attention that in the twelve months since I have guest hosted posted in this forum, not one of you sorry slackers has asked of my whereabouts or my health. You "blog" people are the sorriest, uncaring lot I’ve ever seen, I’ll tell you that!

But while I’m stuck at home and “Harold” is off having online hookers perform Lord knows what, you may have to endure hearing from old Selma now and then. As will those crooks at Wilson Middle School...

The Dating Game...

Friends keep asking me for an update on my dating adventures. Well, I’m pleased to say that last week I had three different dates with three different women.

Excuse me while I stop and nod smugly to myself -- ‘cause that’s easily the most macho thing I’ve ever said...

Okay, I’m back. Here’s the rundown…

I’ll call Lady #1 Academy Girl . At the end of our first date, I dropped her off and asked, “What do you think?” “Think about what?” she responded. “Think about us?” I think this direct no-games communication startled her. I am realizing my ability to communicate is a major turn-on to the ladies (a 10-year relationship had me trained in that department).

We had sushi on our 2nd date. Academy Girl is sexy. Vulnerable. I’ll see her again this Friday. She just got out of a 3-year relationship so I can’t help but think she’s looking for her rebound guy. A rebound relationship is very important, and I’m glad to fill the role.

Lady #2 was the Choreographer. We met for dinner on 3rd Street Promenade. She's a world-traveler and a feminist. I felt dating a feminist in Los Angeles was a little enigmatic – needless to say, she was interesting.

While walking and chatting, she stopped in the middle of the promenade and did a demonstration of movement analysis for me. This took probably 3 minutes, during which I held her gaze and even asked questions. She might have fallen in love with me at that moment. But when she said she’d seen one episode of Seinfeld and didn’t like it, I knew we were in trouble.

The Choreographer called me on my cel on the way home – and all I could think of was how do I get out of this conversation and remain a gentleman?? She was fascinating, but not for me.

Lady #3 is Boston Writer Girl. Very confident with an audacious personality. Our first date was at a restaurant/bar and we had an amazing chemistry. This was refreshing because I was starting to think I wasn’t capable of that anymore. During our five-hour date, I aired all my dirty laundry and we were already finishing each other’s sentences.

We had our second date last night – not quite as impressive but still worth pursuing. Some girls I work with warned me that women from the east coast will never offer to pay or go dutch. Sure enough, two restaurants and a bar tab and Boston Writer Girl never made a move for the check.

eHarmony has been great for me because I’m terrible at meeting people. And I’ve decided that dating suits me. I think everyone who’s dating should be seeing as many people as possible.

That said, if this entry suddenly disappears, you’ll know one of them has learned I’m a blogger.

My thanks to my friend Reid for showing me this fresh link, Squishy Pineapple. Not for the kiddies but worth a look!

How are we getting here??

There are many, many ways that people searching the web arrive here at Cellar Door. I'm not talking about the obvious ones like "cellar door linguist" or folks who type the entire "Darko" quote (yes, some people put in all 32 words!).

I'm talking about the bizarre, crazy searches people do that somehow land them on this very doorstep. Like last year's "Owensboro dirty girls" and "blended margarita".

Here's a look at the new searches in the form of a top ten list. In most cases, I didn't take note of the search engine...

10. "saint malachy"

Remarkable that a search for this fellow could land you here given my mention was brief and over a year ago. More remarkable that I was #919 in this search and that someone waded through 91 google pages and bothered to click on this site. That is some thorough research!

9. "Farley flavor crystals"

Whatever it is, it sounds yummy. Cellar Door was site #9 in this odd search -- and we were often #9 as you'll see below.

8. "see the videos with decapitations on Iraqi"

Whoever worded this search was either a moron, or 12 years old. The odd wording is the only explanation for the fact that Cellar Door was #8 in the list.

7. "rethread a vhs tape"

Whoever did this search was desperate for instructions on how do perform the task. With this site at #2 on the search engine's list, it was a shame that the only thing the searcher got was the story of a botched inflight movie, Hidalgo, and me asking an Aussie woman to say that a dingo ate her baby.

6. "Big red soda" (#25) and "Old Spice Red Zone pictures" (#6)

Guessing the marketing people for both products are quite pleased with the conservative endorsements here for their products! Thank you for your support!

5. "Halloween dryer sheets"

You think the granolas up at Google sit around and marvel at the strange things people search for? This site was #9 in the Halloween dryer sheet department. Maybe I can improve on that by October...

4. "us donation to tsunami"

How pathetic is it that someone could search for such a serious topic and find my lame Dick York/Dick Sargent analogy at #9 in their search??

3. My Name

My real name appears nowhere on this site, and yet a google search brings it right up. Strange but true. And a little scary.

2. "Appleby Certificate real or a hoax"

Cellar Door is #8 in this search because the searcher misspelled Applebee's. Heheh... what a moron! Uh, heeey waaaaait a minute...!

1. "www.cameo.comm" [sic]

And the number 1 search that landed someone here was by using something called Viewpoint. They searched for an actual URL, misspelled it and Cellar Door was THE #1 result.

And there you have it. All searches will eventually drop you here. Let's hope I have something funny to post by then. See you soon!

There's been quite a drought the last couple of months when it comes to good links. Finally, I'm pleased to see a nice stockpile...

The Alaskan Alpine Club started with just a simple concept: a single water nozzle in the below freezing temeratures. Then, they got creative and the Ice Walls are quite a sight for art and sport!

Check out the links at the bottom of the page to go deeper into the kinds of things they're doing.

Supercool!

...that make you go "hmm"

I rarely link to other people's blogs, a practice I really need to change. But as a time-waster I found myself following a chain of links back to see just how far it went. First, here is what got my attention:

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

I was compelled to do it, but didn't know the relevance. I know I'm way too analytical, but did this encapsulate the book in some way? If partnered with someone elses' page 123 would they form some coherent code?

I found this via Angel over on Temporary Sanity, who got it from Ian, who got it from Opus, who got it from Texas Biscuit, who does not remember where she got it from but has collected a great deal of acclaim for its spreading.

Oh, and my book passage...

This was disastrously apparent after Iraqi representatives met US Secretary of State James Baker in Geneva on January 9, 1991, in a last minute effort to avert war. Baker clearly warned that the United States would attack Iraq if it did not leave Kuwait. But he said it so calmly that Saddam Hussein's half-brother reported, "The Americans will not attack... they are calm."

From Psychology, by David Myers

Hmm...

2006=End to Global Warming

Finally!

Someone has a sensible plan to get rid of global warming. Be sure to do your part by checking out World Jump Day. It's the new Link of the Week.

When Animals Attack

So this story from Bakersfield is grisly and tragic. But is a warning for everyone...

When presenting a birthday cake to your 39 year-old chimp in a wildlife refuge, MAKE SURE YOU'VE BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE!

Dating update...

My eHarmony meet up went very well. We're going out tonight.

Actually, I had to be an improvement from her last match -- a guy who admitted to only eating four foods.

Adventures in Online Dating

Last month, I signed up with eHarmony. The constant onslaught of happy couples in their commercials, billboards, and print ads finally got to me and I surrendered.

Their system is fairly unique in that they decide for you who is a compatible match. It's up to the matches to pursue communication with each other, leading up to an eventual meeting -- with the option of shutting the match down at any point.

I find it interesting that some women opt to not display their photos. I asked my friend Nina what motivation a woman would have for not showing pictures of herself and, like me, she decided it was probably not a good sign.

Women with eye patches, for example, are notoriously self-conscious about them and would prefer to reel me in and then reveal the eye patch after I've become emotionally attached.

Remember, these women are my psychological matches and already know me this well!

I know why you don't want to go out with me... it's because I only have one eye, isn't it?! MY GOD you are so shallow!

To combat this, I've configured eHarmony to not reveal my own photos to anyone who doesn't have their own posted. This way, I can shame the ladies into revealing themselves -- and them slap them with a rejection when they do. It's ingenious!

My first ever meet up is finally here and I'm off to a coffee meet tonight with a choreographer.

Note to self: when meeting a date, don't mention blogging.

Forgive Me...

You are Donnie Darko!!!


What Character From Donnie Darko Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

This was easily the stupidest, lamest of these quizzes I've ever seen. Still, like me, you won't be able to help yourself.

I promise to post something else and move along quickly.